Self Harm

**CAUTION: TRIGGER WARNING**

So I now know what it’s like to self harm. I cut myself two days in a row. My depression has changed forms and it’s scaring and confusing me. Thankfully, I have a therapist who is patiently working with me through the pain and is unlocking the thoughts and questions I’ve had in my mind for too long now. He’s keeping an eye on me and has told me to utilize the center’s “on-call” hours the next time I have the urge to hurt myself again. I promised him that I would.

I don’t know why it’s important for me to talk about this. I don’t know why I have to tell someone but ever since I harmed myself last week, I felt a tremendous desire to share my pain. Maybe I’m looking for some kind of validation. Maybe it’s because I was feeling so overwhelmed that I needed to feel like someone cared. Whatever it is, I’m laying it bare.

It is no secret that I’m struggling with clinical depression and I don’t make it a secret because I will not allow this to be used as a weapon against me. There’s no need to gossip or speculate behind my back because here’s the information, right here. Right from my own mouth.

Last week I posted a piece about suicide. In retrospect, it is also a piece about self harm. “Save Me” was the message. Though I consciously drew the piece, I had unconsciously composed the message on the arm. My therapist asked me who the message was for or why it was there. I couldn’t answer him because I didn’t decide to put it there. It just happened.

Anyway, this post is random and doesn’t make much sense. It doesn’t fit in the theme of my blog, of course, but I just had to put it out there. I had to speak up. The pain is almost unbearable in silence.

Self Harm

I know how ironic it is for my self harm scars (well, they’re healing but still, they look like scars) to be right where the word “Breathe” is along with the semicolon. And another irony is one of the things that have contributed to my enhanced stress has been math, which conveniently is the backdrop of this photo. I didn’t plan it that way.

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6 thoughts on “Self Harm

  1. Hi there. I want you to know that you need not feel scared or alone right now. As alone as you feel in this world packed full of people, you have to remember that you’re not the only one experiencing this.

    I’m not sure how old you are, but I used to cut my wrists in high school. You simply cannot explain it to a person who has never been depressed, nor someone who hasn’t cut, but you’re probably cutting to transform your mental anguish into physical pain you can control. We can’t control the thoughts in our own head, but we can control that razor blade or piece of glass and punish ourselves for not being able to cope with our heads. You have no idea why you feel the urge to do it, you don’t know why seeing the blood makes you feel better – all you know is that putting that blade to your skin puts a kind of calm over you that no drug or alcohol can compare to. I stopped cutting suddenly after I was found out, but I will probably never lose the urge to.

    I think you felt the need to come here and tell someone what you’ve done because you’re scared about what this means, why you finally did it, and what will happen in the future. You get that feeling in your loins that’s a mixture of excitement and terror because it’s a power trip to do something so devious to yourself that’s like a dirty, little secret, but you’re scared out of your fucking mind because there’s clearly something very wrong with you, and you can’t control it.

    So you want to tell someone, but no one that you “know,” because you feel disgusted and embarrassed about it, but you want someone, anyone to know that things have now gotten very serious, and you’ve actually taken that next step and don’t want to do it alone. Your depression has taken on a new shape at a new level, and that is frightening. But you’ve done exactly the right thing by going to see someone. Like you said, they can work with you to figure out the underlying causes of some of your feelings. I’m proud of you for seeking help, and committing to it, that is absolutely the hardest step.

    Well, I hear you, love, and please remember that whatever it is will get better, and don’t be scared. Math fucking blows, I’d be depressed too. 😉 I’ve been exactly where you are…mine was Organic Chemistry. Didn’t understand it, couldn’t do it, frustrated out of my mind, constantly being weighed down by the stress, actually considered quitting or switching majors…I get it. Wherever you are, you’re going to get through this class, and all the rest of your classes. It’s gonna suck, but you’ll look back at this post and have a sense of what happened and why you’re feeling this way, and will be thankful that it’s in the past.

    Sometimes you just need to hear someone who has been through this tell you that everything is going to be ok. I promise you it will. I should take my own advice.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much. After the long Labor Day weekend, I’ve been dreading going back to class. Today, I have classes from 9am to 5pm and I wasn’t looking forward to it. I was thinking to myself just before I read this that maybe I need to see my therapist again today. That maybe I need to take his offer for a walk in appointment. But at the same time, I felt like I’m so weak, so pathetic because I’m an adult and yet, I feel like I need to run to “mommy” every time I’m overwhelmed or stressed out.

      I felt pathetic and weak too for even writing the post because in the back of my mind, I wondered if I was doing it to get attention… Reading your comment brought tears to my eyes and that’s quite a fear considering how little I feel lately and how interactions with me have been quite sterile (I’ve been suppressing much of my emotions). Thank you so much.

      I want to say you have no idea how much I needed this comment, but I’m thinking you probably do have an idea. 😉 thank you so much for your kind words. For your understanding. I think that was probably what I needed more than anything.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You’re so welcome! It must have been fate that I stumbled across your post by accident. You’re right, I do understand, I know the feeling you get when you meet someone who speaks what your heart is feeling. As you probably could tell, therapists can only help so far until you just need to commiserate with someone who feels the same.

        You’re definitely not running to mommy, and the first thing you should try to accept is that clearly your brain, like mine, is just rigged this way (assuming you’ve been depressed in the past too), and there’s not much you can do about it. Sure, you can try anti-depressants, they always eventually suggest it, but it doesn’t work for some people (like me.) Just realizing that this is how things are and learning ways to cope with it is more realistic than trying to eliminate it.

        From what you’ve said so far, this seems like perfectly normal depressed behavior, except for the fact that you’re actually proactively seeking help – that’s a GIANT step that most people don’t have the balls, or even strength to take. You’ve not only lined up a therapist and have an emergency outlet they’ve given you if you need it, but you’ve reached out to the online community and took the risk of being ridiculed and vulnerable. You were even brave enough to post a picture of what you did. You’re obviously very strong, so try to remember that.

        My email is thoughtswithdildo@gmail.com, and I want you to know I’m always here if you have questions, need help, are about to do “something”, or you just want to talk to a friend. Sometimes a stranger is all you need.

        Chin up, love.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I will reply to this at a longer length after this when I have a moment (I’m headed to class now) but I utilized my therapist’s advice and went in for a session with the on call therapist. I wanted to cut myself again today and today, I actually have a really sharp scalpel like knife with me so I felt that my risk was high today. I did explain to the therapist that I feel like I’m making a big deal out of nothing but he felt like I was trying too hard to minimize things. So he suggested some coping skills as well as some steps I should take to minimize the risks. I’m going to have to get my husband to lock up the knives we have at home…. I might then just resort to scratching myself but at least those don’t harm as badly…

        Like

      3. Thanks. I will. Thankfully, I had art class which helped me stop thinking negative thoughts. I had math first then architectural presentation which was stressful because my teacher is extremely negative. I tend to absorb negative energy easily. And it really messed me up…. I have my xcato knife with me currently though…. I promise I will use the coping strategies before I do anything stupid with it though…. I’ll email you soon when I get home.

        Btw, I believe in God so I believe that your stumbling on my blog was no coincidence and you were someone I needed just then to deal with my situation. So again, thank you!

        Like

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