**CAUTION: TRIGGER WARNING**
So I now know what it’s like to self harm. I cut myself two days in a row. My depression has changed forms and it’s scaring and confusing me. Thankfully, I have a therapist who is patiently working with me through the pain and is unlocking the thoughts and questions I’ve had in my mind for too long now. He’s keeping an eye on me and has told me to utilize the center’s “on-call” hours the next time I have the urge to hurt myself again. I promised him that I would.
I don’t know why it’s important for me to talk about this. I don’t know why I have to tell someone but ever since I harmed myself last week, I felt a tremendous desire to share my pain. Maybe I’m looking for some kind of validation. Maybe it’s because I was feeling so overwhelmed that I needed to feel like someone cared. Whatever it is, I’m laying it bare.
It is no secret that I’m struggling with clinical depression and I don’t make it a secret because I will not allow this to be used as a weapon against me. There’s no need to gossip or speculate behind my back because here’s the information, right here. Right from my own mouth.
Last week I posted a piece about suicide. In retrospect, it is also a piece about self harm. “Save Me” was the message. Though I consciously drew the piece, I had unconsciously composed the message on the arm. My therapist asked me who the message was for or why it was there. I couldn’t answer him because I didn’t decide to put it there. It just happened.
Anyway, this post is random and doesn’t make much sense. It doesn’t fit in the theme of my blog, of course, but I just had to put it out there. I had to speak up. The pain is almost unbearable in silence.
I know how ironic it is for my self harm scars (well, they’re healing but still, they look like scars) to be right where the word “Breathe” is along with the semicolon. And another irony is one of the things that have contributed to my enhanced stress has been math, which conveniently is the backdrop of this photo. I didn’t plan it that way.