Late Night Musings About Depression and Suicide

I’m in a contemplative mood. I ought to go to bed but I have too many thoughts keeping me awake.

I’m still musing over what someone said about how people with mental illnesses use their illnesses as crutches and are merely people who live with a victim mentality… I can’t say I agree with that because that is a generalized statement that is actually really cruel. Now it’s suddenly the sufferer’s fault that they’re having a hard time.

Please have a little compassion. There are better ways to get people’s attention. Having a mental illnes and living in it just because you want attention is pathetic and it’s not usually something someone would do so willingly.

I’ve been accused of playing a victim before as well. I have never forgotten that and it hurts me every time I think about it. It makes me feel horrible because hey, if I just stopped playing the victim, then I’ll be better right? But since I’m not better, then I must still be playing the victim and purposely making myself depressed, right? People may not realize it, but I remember very single negative thing ever said to me and I replay those words in my mind for a long time. It hurts and I know it must be my fault. After all, I’m just playing the victim…

Someone else also told me that if I just watch TED Talks videos and self motivate, I’ll be fine. I can’t bring myself to watch those videos because seeing the people speaking in such a positive manner overwhelms me. It makes me want to take action and to embrace those positive things but at the same time, I’m terrified of what will happen when I do. In some ways, I feel like I’m self sabotaging. The depression I have clings on tightly and is damaging me daily just because I’m working at trying to pry its cold fingers off my neck.

I want to get better…. But I don’t. I know it probably won’t make sense to many people who don’t have depression or have never struggled with it. It’s a deep conflict and a “push-and-pull” within me. It confuses me and makes me feel like I’ve lost all control of my life. I think this was what led me to cut. It was one small thing that I could control. One thing that made my pain physical. It was also one thing that would make anyone who sees my scars realize that my pain is real.

It is true that suicide is passing pain to another and while that is true, it doesn’t negate the fact that no one can truly understand what it must be like for the one who died by suicide. Suicide is the final option for many people who have suffered (usually in silence) for a very long time. No one kills themselves over something trivial. Suicide is usually something that is contemplated when one is so overwhelmed by grief, pain, suffering and sadness or emptiness that they can no longer fight for their lives.

So to those who say that people who commit suicide are selfish, please reevaluate what you have to say. When you’re in the same kind of position feeling the same kind of overwhelming despair, then we’ll see who’s selfish.

Though I agree with the clichéd statement that “suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem” and that “suicide transfer the pain to someone else”, I also believe that the person who attempted suicide/died by suicide/contemplated suicide did it because that was what they believed to be their final resort. All they wanted was someone to understand, for someone to give them the time of day.

To be honest, I think sometimes that’s all I want too. Since school has started, the last 3 weeks have been quite difficult. I usually have a alternating good and bad weeks but for the past 3 therapy sessions, all I’ve been doing in the therapist’s office had been to bawl my eyes out. I guess I’ve been stuck in a depressive rut since I’ve piled on pressure on myself with school. No one wants to get out of this deep abyss-like feelings more than I do.

I hope I can. I’m working on it.

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