It is no secret that I’ve been having the most difficult time for the past few weeks. It’s also no secret that the pain and burden have led me to do some stupid and harmful things.
I’m beginning to understand that my cutting was because of various reasons – wanting to be heard, wanting to make my mental pain into physical ones, wanting to just feel without anyone else noticing, wanting to cry out without really crying out, wanting attention without really asking for it and maybe other reasons that I haven’t even realized yet.
I also just found out that I’m pre-diabetic. This would explain why my cuts are taking so long to heal and that’s something I’ve noticed for a while now. I didn’t want to face the fact that I might be in this condition – after all, I knew it was a possibility since my maternal grandfather died of diabetes years ago. When I found out on Thursday, I was extremely depressed. Here was one more thing to add to my already full plate. I also felt irrationally angry towards my deceased grandfather because I couldn’t remember anything good about him and have always had a negative view of him for how he treated my mother and my family. I felt like the only legacy he left for me was one of more suffering…
Anyway, that wasn’t the point of this post. The point of this post was to talk about something positive that I decided to do. I don’t know whether this is the right stage for me to be doing it or not but I decided to give it a go anyway. Time will tell whether or not I made the right choice.
Last week, I submitted the story of my struggle with mental illnesses and my therapy journey with the Student Affairs Department who is working on a mental health awareness campaign. Today, I met with the committee to discuss what they were going to do with my story and how I could help as an advocate for mental health awareness. They also asked me if I’d like to be featured as one of the faces of mental health awareness on campus. They’d pull a quote from me, take a photo of me and use it for promotional posters and the like.
Although I’m mostly emotionally numb and mostly devoid of much emotion today, I know I’m also kinda sorta thrilled that I’m finally doing something more positive. “Kinda sorta” because I really don’t feel anything but exhaustion today. I happy to know that steps are being taken to help those who are struggling with the invisible illness that is mental illness… And I feel privileged to be able to lend a hand.
Also, I signed up to take part in what is called the Lifesavers Mental Health series where students who participate will be trained on suicide prevention, mental health issues and shattering the stigma. Tomorrow the first seminar begins and I’m actually looking forward to it – even if it means having to speak to strangers and be “on” all evening.