Today was a day of small victories.
I’ve been struggling through a depressive episode for the past 4-6 weeks now and it hasn’t gotten much better. In fact, last week itself, I was feeling quite suicidal through the entire week. No matter how much I tried, everything just seemed bleak and negative.
I didn’t know whether I’d ever get out of it or whether I could ever see who the post-depression me is like. I have several major stressors in my my life right now which are pressing down on me and I feel like a spring that’s heavily compressed.
I feel really bad for my husband because he has to live with me and live with my negativity. I know it must not have been easy for him either. He also struggles with his own inner demons. Yet, he never fails to try and cheer me up. (He surprised me with two cute stuffed animals last night – gifts he had secretly bought).
When I’m down and negative, I know that I am. That’s the worst part for me – it’s knowing that I’m irrationally negative and yet not being able to stop feeling that way. I know I have a lot to live for and so many things I have still yet to achieve. Yet, all I want to do is cut myself, punch walls or die. It’s hard to accept that a “normal” person like me is struggling through so much for so long.
That said, like I said, today was a day of small victories. I had seen my therapist for my usual Tuesday therapy session and though it seems insignificant to most, my day was made when he recognized my “Firefly” shirt which features a somewhat obscure reference to the TV-show. His response which was immediately after he saw my shirt was, “Firefly now?” which launched us into a 2 minute conversation about the show and how I’m a latecomer fan. Therapy went well also, which I counted as another small victory. Then later, I managed to get an extremely satisfying upper body massage which helped release all the knots in my shoulders, back and neck. Another small victory. I then got three prompt email responses from people whose responses mattered to me. Another small victory. I was also invited to showcase my mental health series of artwork at a “Coffee House” session at my campus and to speak about my experiences with mental illnesses on October 9th. Another small victory.
I know some of those things may sound silly but to me, they are vital to the positive feelings that I am currently bathed in. My depression had crept up and whispered, “Enjoy it. It won’t last… I’ll be back with a vengeance” but for now, I am actually feeling calm. It’s the little things.
Update: This post was published on Project Semicolon‘s Facebook page! Whoohoo!!