Glimpse Into the Abyss

I forgot that it’s #Inktober so me drawing this piece this morning was a happy accident.

This illustrates the last 6 weeks of my life and still is true but I am learning not to give the abyss too much thought. I’ve stood at the edge of the abyss and looked in. I’ve realized that I don’t really want to go in after all.

image

I’ve realized that as severe as things can be and as difficult it is to go through the day sometimes, I also don’t want to leave my loved ones behind, reeling with the devastation of my permanent decision. However, every day is a new day and a new beginning, right?

I’m trying to be positive. I really am.

Note: I might upload a better version of my drawing if I can get around to scanning it.

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7 thoughts on “Glimpse Into the Abyss

  1. Stay positive. Keep drawing (love by the way) keep writing…do what you have to do to stay busy. It can all change in the blink of an eye…I have been to that abyss…it’s tempting but like you, the thought of leaving my loved ones behind…the thought of…what if I wait 5 more minutes…would I snap out of it?…what if that was all it took?…When I first went to see a doctor about being suicidal….she asked me…do you want to die? I paused and said..”No. I just don’t want to live like this anymore. If you need to talk, I’m here. (((hugs)))

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    1. Thank you so much! You don’t know how much that means to me (and yes, I do say that a lot… But it’s true, so many people have pointed out truths to me that I’ve either ignored or have not seen myself). And yes! That’s exactly it. That’s what I told my therapist. I don’t want to die necessarily but I’m just so tired – so tired of living this way, so tired of being so negative. I told him this week that I think that people are tired of my negativity but what they don’t seem to realize is that I’m tired of it too! I don’t want to be this way. I don’t want to constantly feel empty, numb and negative. Sometimes too, though, I have the thought, “Why do I always have to be the strong one? Why do I always have to be the one doing the right thing?” but then of course, I realize that I’m trying to absolve my responsibilities as an adult and a wife. That by killing myself, I’d be heaping on grief on my dear husband and he is left to pick up the pieces. I can’t possibly be that selfish.

      In any case… Thank you again for your comment. And I think the drawings come out as a result of what I’m thinking or feeling. I don’t really sit down and ponder what to draw. It just comes.

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      1. That’s the best kind of creativity! 🙂 and you’re most welcome! It’s tough crawling out of a hole of negativity but it can be done…in fact..give me a few minutes…you have inspired me to write a post and I want you to see it because I think you’ll appreciate the symbolism xo

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      2. (((hugs))) I am glad we have crossed paths…umm…I didn’t catch your name or the one you like to go by in blogland lol but yeah thank you so much for inspiring me and talking to me. Remember how powerful your voice can be!

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      3. ((hugs)) I’m glad we stumbled upon each other as well. I go by JL on the blog just because I wasn’t sure if I should be anonymous or not but JL are my initials so it’s semi anon. Haha… I go by Jules, day-to-day. I just realized that I’ve linked my The Mighty posts here before which actually had my full name in the byline… D’oh… Haha…

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