I know I recently wrote about friends and how someone who confesses to struggling with mental illnesses often lose friends because suddenly, you’re a burden to be around. To be honest, this is a topic that is still really really bothering me.
In fact, the topic of “friendship” has come up this whole week for me. It seems like I have a theme every week to discuss with my therapist – last week it was the theme of “rejection” and “abandonment” by people around me. Next week’s theme seems to be “friendship”, the way my week has been going. Anyway, that’s neither here nor there. I digress (I really shouldn’t be writing blog posts at the end of the night before I turn in to bed because by now, I’m really very unfocused).
I know everyone has their own lives to live and no one’s lives revolve around mine. I understand that fully. I also understand that just because someone is a “friend”, doesn’t mean that you and them need to hang out together all the time. I get it. We all have our own separate lives to lead. But you’d think that despite that, if someone is a friend enough, that they’d get invited for special events, right?
Well, maybe I mistook the relationships I’ve had for “friendship”. It was probably my mistake because I thought these individuals were my friends. It was my mistake to put my trust in them and to invite them into my life. It was my mistake that I had so easily and quickly given them access to my thoughts and stories. So it was my mistake then, that they turned around, stomped all over my heart and spat on me.
Or maybe, I’m just so deeply depressed that I forget that it isn’t all about me. Maybe like some people suggest, I just need to get over myself. Maybe I just need to stop looking so inwardly that everything is suddenly an offensive gesture.
I don’t know. I don’t understand why I am always that person who gets used and ditched the minute I’m no longer useful. I don’t understand how I have rarely been able to find a friend who is truly there for me as I would be for them. In my experience, sans my husband, I’ve only been able to find one other person whose love and friendship have been unconditional. Maybe I’m asking for too much?
The way I see it, I’m the common denominator in all these “friendships”. Thus, I must be the reason why I’m getting treated so poorly, right? If it wasn’t something I did or said, then why would people hate me so?
I won’t go into details of what has happened throughout this week where friends are concerned but suffice to say, I’ve been left out of things (or at least I feel I have) and seemingly been getting the cold shoulder from several individuals I thought were friends.
Ultimately, I wonder if I should just quit social media, especially Facebook, or maybe just start over with only select individuals. I think I let people in too quickly and trust too easily. Unfortunately, this is a pattern that has repeated way too many times in my life and despite telling myself that I’m gong to learn from it, I never do.
At this point, I don’t understand anything anymore. I just know that I am hurting really badly and I see no point in trying any longer.
((And yes, I’m aware that my anxiety is running amuck tonight. Maybe I’ll feel better tomorrow when I’ve had a chance to sleep. I might even feel embarrassed to have written this dumb post.))