So WordPress ate my last post. I’m mad because it was actually a pretty positive post and something that I was actually proud of writing. Now I can’t find that post. 😦
Somehow this reminds me of my depression because I’d have a good day or a positive moment and the next thing I know, it’s gone and is replaced by the horrible negative sensation. The sensation of hopelessness that tells me that life is not worth living and that it’s better for me to just die.
Every time I get a positive moment, it’s fleeting. Almost anything can change my mood from good to bad. Even the littlest things can trigger my negativity.
My problem is, despite wanting it all to end and wanting this suffering to end, somehow, I also feel addicted to it. It’s like I just don’t know who I am without the depression and so due to my fear of change, subconsciously a part of me clings on desperately to the depression – it’s familiar. It’s something I know how to handle.
Life though, that’s something else. It’s a new beast. A scary one.
So maybe I’m self-sabotaging. Maybe I’m allowing myself to be negative and to be consumed by the void. Maybe so.
However, writing about it now makes me realize my demon. And it makes me realize that I’m clinging on to something that I really need to let go. I am clinging to a thing that is eating me inside slowly and surely. It’s a poison that is spreading out to kill me and everyone else I come in contact with.
I once told my therapist that I’m afraid that I’ll be plain and boring when I recover from my depression. That going to therapy will effectively make me dull and characterless because I felt like the depression plays a huge part in my personality. My therapist laughed and said to me, “Well, I’ve been doing this for a while now and I don’t think I’ve ever turned anyone boring after therapy…”.
Sure, it may sound funny and it’s actually quite a ridiculous notion now that I write it down, but it’s something I actually believe. It’s going to take time for me to get over it but I think at least I realize it now. At least, I recognize it. That, to me, is a positive first step.