Some people wonder why I have trust issues and why I’m so dissociated (I feel numb and emotionless most of the time) but it isn’t entirely my fault.
I’ve just learned through many painful experiences that people are not dependable and despite desperately wanting to trust people, I often put my trust on the wrong sort all the time. So when genuine friendship comes along, I become distrustful. It really doesn’t help when people give me a reason to not trust them either.
The thing is, I don’t think I’m alone in this experience. Of wanting so badly to believe that someone in your life is trustworthy and has your best interest in mind that you ignore the red flags. My problem is though, I haven’t learned from all these painful experiences. I haven’t learned to let go of such people in my life and move on. I allow these kinds of undependable people in and I allow them to hurt me. Then I wonder why I can’t trust people anymore.
So I dissociate. I stop myself from feeling because if I don’t feel, then I can’t hurt, right? That seems to be the logic my mind is going off on. My therapist told me last week it’s not that I don’t feel, but rather I feel too much. I feel so much that I get so overwhelmed that I shut down. Thing is… How do I fix that?
I’d like to think of myself as a friend who would sacrifice a lot for the benefit of my friends. I’ve done it time and again. Despite feeling like I’ve been used, I’ve gone out on a limb for others all my life. Yet lately, I feel like I can’t do that anymore. I feel like I’m mentally and emotionally incapable of connecting to people the way I used to. It’s a shame really because I know that I can turn out to be a really invaluable friend.
Alas, I’ve been let down one too many times that giving someone another chance is difficult. I hope that I can stop dissociating and learn to trust again in the future.
I’m just thankful that online and on this blog, I’ve actually met people whom I can deem to be friends. The kindest words have come from the most random stranger that stumbled on my blog. The most validating and humbling comments have come from readers here as well as fellow bloggers. So, I haven’t completely lost faith. Just in some people currently in my life.
Anyway, I’m rambling. My sinus infection has been messing my thought processes all day so I do apologize for the perhaps incoherent post. I’m also falling asleep as I’m typing, which doesn’t help with the coherence of the piece.