As someone with ADHD, the time it takes for me to act on an intense thought or desire is about 5 seconds from the time I started having the thought to when I actually act on it.
Yes, I’m exaggerating but sometimes it sure feels like only 5 seconds have passed before I jump into action.
This applies to almost everything in my life. I say almost because thankfully, it hasn’t applied to my suicidal thoughts despite how strong and overwhelming they are.
Today, it applies to my desire to blog about feelings that I’ve experienced on the therapist’s couch, particularly about transference. I feel an overwhelming need to write about that and though I know I’ll eventually write a post like that anyway, I also don’t want to dive into it without proper preparation the way I do with everything.
I don’t want to do that because I want to give the topic due thought and make sure that its something I really want the public to read before I go ahead and post it because I know that once you put something out there, it’s impossible to retract.
That said, I’ll think about it for a few more days and ruminate before I write the post. It’ll be an important post for me, for sure, especially since my therapist has been an important part of my recovery and hopefully, it’ll be a piece that will help others.
Through this post, I also just want to point out how difficult it is for someone with ADHD to make decisions about things. No only do we impulsively need to do something immediately, when given a chance to ponder a decision, a simple few minute decision can end up taking hours.
It’s so frustrating. Take yesterday for example. I was hungry, even after my healthy meal of 3 eggs and an avocado, so I went to the campus convenience store to see what I could get as a snack. After at least 5 loops around the store, I still couldn’t decide what to get. I kept picking up stuff and putting them back because the decision seemed monumental. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, I decided to just grab the least objectionable thing, a bag of M&M’s. I regretted that decision the minute I paid for it.
Of course, my usual self defeating voice told me that I’m stupid and that I should’ve just left without buying anything. Story of my life…. Infuriating.
Anyway, this post has no real point to it. I guess, it was the ADHD in me that made me write it. I had a desire to write. So I did.