I thought to myself just an hour ago, “Wow. I’m actually feeling pretty good today. And I felt good yesterday! Is the depressive episode going away?” and I felt quite positive about how I seem to be improving.
Then just 5 minutes ago, I got home and bawled over the fact that the homework I brought home with me, a few pages of paper painted with acrylic paint, stuck to tracing paper that was supposed to keep them separated and now one of the sheets is ruined. The worsr part was how I didn’t bring any paint home with me because I thought that I wouldn’t need it. I don’t go to school tomorrow and next Monday is fall break. The homework is due on Wednesday.
All those thoughts coupled with the fact that I’m broke right now with only 3 shifts at work this week instead of 6 really tripped me up.
It just goes to teach me that any little thing can spiral out of control and turn into disaster in my mind. I know I need to fight these thoughts and to do what my therapist told me to do in these situations – that I need to approach my feelings with compassion and acknowledge how I feel. I still am not sure how to practice that but I’m doing my reading about it.
In any case, I think it’s really lame how depression always has a way to sneak back in, especially when you’re not looking and you think you’re safe. That’s another thing I’ve learned from this. It’s that I can never let my guard down.
Writing this post actually helped me calm down some. At least I’ve stopped crying.