My Suicidal Thoughts

I said to a coworker last night, “If I have to get a second serving job, I’m going to kill myself”.

It was prompted by the fact that business at the restaurant I work at is really slow and I’m barely making ends meet. So I was contemplating getting a second job (yes, ok top of being a full time student and struggling with mental illnesses). Then I found myself saying that.

The response I got was a chuckle. I chuckled back because although I meant what I said, I was also afraid that someone will take me seriously.

It’s strange because although I struggle with suicidal ideations, I want people to care enough to take me seriously but at the same time, I don’t want them to take me seriously because if they did, then it makes it real somehow. I don’t understand it myself but yesterday, I wanted my coworker to take me seriously but also not.

What does this mean? I don’t know. My suicidal thoughts have not been as bad as they were about 4 weeks ago but I still have them. That desire to just cease to exist. The mental images of violence that pop up in my head without my control, which scare me but I can’t erase or stop.

I’m not going to kill myself if anyone here is concerned. I just don’t understand why I feel the way I do.

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8 thoughts on “My Suicidal Thoughts

  1. It is a symptom of the illness. When you are struggling, sometimes it is only natural to want to escape it. Your mind is only seeing the bad things. The bad overwhelms life, but there is good to be found within the bad that your mind needs to get healthy enough to see. Make certain that becomes a focus of any therapy you might be undergoing. Allowing your mind to see the good too.

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  2. I think that your difficulty points to how hard it is to find helpful support for suicidal thoughts that aren’t necessarily self-harming plans. Whenever I’ve gotten suicidal thoughts, I haven’t wanted to tell anyone, because I was afraid that they would just force me into a psychiatric hospital (which isn’t always helpful to me). I wanted people to know how I felt, but I wanted them to help me more on my terms in a way in which I still had autonomy. I wanted them to give me real solutions to my problems, because I didn’t really want to die. I needed the material conditions of my life to change and also for my consciousness to change. I understand how stressful it can be to try and make a living on a serving job. I did that for 8 years and then did try to kill myself instead of going to work one night, because I didn’t have any money and my life felt meaningless (and a lot of other things, it wasn’t just the job). A lot of it was my disordered thinking, but some of it was that I really couldn’t manage the structure of my life anymore. I couldn’t afford the healthcare that I needed to get treatment for my mental illnesses. I think that it is really important to find help sooner than later, if possible. It sucks that people often don’t take our problems seriously until we really are suicidal or trying to commit suicide. It shouldn’t have to get to that point. Our society deals with this really badly. Serving can be a dehumanizing job in many ways and that definitely contributed to my depression. People treated me like crap every night, like I was their slave. Not good for mental health, but sometimes we don’t have any other options. That’s why Marx theorized that capitalism is so alienating for workers. I’m just trying to say that I relate to where you’re coming from. I do hope that you have people who you can talk to you when you do have those thoughts and who will take you seriously and help you in a constructive way.

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    1. Hey Alex, thanks for your comment. I always think that no one really understands what it’s like for a server unless they’ve served before too. It IS a very dehumanizing job and I often feel stressed beyond what I can handle. Last year, I did two serving jobs and I wanted to kill myself too. I couldn’t see the point of going on before I felt like not only was I working so much with no appreciation, I wasn’t making much money either. And though I have a degree in Linguistics from Malaysia, it wasn’t a degree I could use here in the States. So I was in deep despair because I felt like I was going nowhere in life. I felt like a huge failure.

      Then I decided to make a change and applied for college. I was fortunate to get in and it was in college that I decided to get tested or ADHD. I started therapy 6 months ago and I think therapy is aggravating my condition. I understand that it’s not the therapist’s fault that I’m now unearthing painful memories and unresolved trauma. But two weeks ago, I told my therapist that sometimes I don’t want to come in because I just don’t know if I can do this anymore (this being face my demons).

      Anyway, I agree with you that it sucks that people don’t take us seriously until we have a gun in hand or are standing on top of a tall building or whatever other method of suicide we decided to go with. I’ve told my husband before when I’ve had a particularly intense thought and his response was one of sadness and also something along the lines of “But I’m going to be all alone”. I know he’s not trained to know how to speak to a suicidal person but sometimes, I feel worse when I do tell him because I feel like I’m going to subject him to a lot of pain. I mean, ultimately, it prevents me from doing anything stupid because I always think about how sad it will be for the people around me. I’m just glad that I can tell my therapist without him jumping to conclusions and try to hospitalize me or without him saying, “but what about me? What about me when you die?”.

      I think this week, I’ve struggled a lot more because I feel so so bad about taking up extra time from my therapist and not respecting the timer. His next client probably lost at least 5 minutes and I can’t get over how guilty I feel. I emailed him an apology that he didn’t reply to which is fueling my guilt even more. I know I’ll need to talk to him next week about it but this and other stresses (like not having shifts at work) is really putting me in a bad place.

      Sorry this got so long. It’s almost a rant… But thanks for listening…

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      1. First of all, that’s so cool that you have a degree in linguistics. I love linguistics or at least what I know of it. I took an intro to linguistics class in college and I wish that I had minored in it. I like how it focuses on descriptive grammar, rather than the prescriptive grammar that we study in English classes.
        Yeah, serving is the worst. I keep thinking that I really want to get a job right now and think of going back to serving, because it would be easy for me to get a serving job with so much experience. And then I remember how I was basically criticized everyday. I’m thinking of writing a post about serving, specifically a perspective on how dehumanizing it is because of how guests treat us and some tips for how to be a good customer.
        As far as your therapy goes, I feel like it is totally your therapist’s responsibility to set time boundaries and enforce them. You shouldn’t have to feel bad about going over the time. Of course, you want to go over the time. I would too, if my therapist let me. I would hang out with him and talk for hours. We need so many emotional resources from our therapists that we didn’t get when we were kids (at least, I do). That’s why therapists need to remain objective and assert time boundaries. My therapist has never let me go over the time, except this one time when I was having a panic attack and I needed to calm down. I don’t think that you are doing anything wrong or unusual or that there is any reason for you to be responsible for how much time any other client has. Again, I think that’s part of your therapist’s job to manage time.
        I also hate when family and friends make my suicidal thoughts about them. It’s like, am I supposed to live solely so that you have me around, or do you want me to feel good about living for myself? After my suicide attempt, people kept saying how they would be upset if I was gone. But, the majority of those people hadn’t been supportive when I needed them prior to the attempt. I think it’s hard for people to understand that it’s not about them or about their feelings of being sad if we were gone. It’s part of a sickness and we need real treatment and support and access to resources.
        But, anyway, I think that I really understand where you are coming from. I know how toxic work environments can affect mood and self-image.

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      2. I didn’t know I’d like Linguistics until I took it. I never even heard of it until a couple of months prior to starting college. I just happend to be very good in English and wanted to get as far away from home as possible. Lol. So I chose that college that offered that and left home. I never looked back. I went home to visit every month in my freshman year, then once every 3 months sophomore year, then once every 6 months junior year and then once a year by the time I graduated…. Lol. I definitely have family issues…. I had a great time studying Linguistics though. I received a first class honors degree for it.

        Yes. Serving sucks…. I mean, yes, you can sometimes make good money from it for a short time of working but it’s so inconsistent. And like you said, it’s a toxic environment. I hope to be able to get a job in my current field of Interior Design and serve as a part time job instead of relying on it as my primary job. I absolutely hate going to a table saying my usual greeting to be replied with “Coke” like I’m some kind of vending machine. Sigh. Not many people get why we’re so angry all the time because they’ve never had to serve…. I look forward to reading your post if you ever write it!

        I think my therapist has been letting me go over time a lot lately. And yes, it’s like you said, I want to spend all day with him if I can. I mean, I feel understood, loved even when I talk to him. Who doesn’t want to feel like that? Especially for people like us who never had positive parental influence. I wonder if maybe he’s having a little bit of counter transference a little by letting me go over time so much lately. Or maybe he feels like I need it since I’ve been in such a rut for the past 8 weeks. I definitely will bring this issue up next week because I think not only has it given me insight into what brings me shame, it’s also something that I’ve been feeling bad about…

        Yeah. I feel like when loved ones do that, it’s like a guilt trip. I especially hate it when people say, “You’re not going to commit suicide, are you?” because there is already a no implied in that question. I am still upset that my parents have never once even asked me what I’m struggling with. When I told them of my diagnoses 6 months ago, they had said “Oh don’t look for trouble. Leave it alone and you’ll be fine. You’ve lived 29 years of your life just fine…” and we’ve never spoken about it since. It’s made me so mad that I haven’t even contacted them since then. I told my therapist 2 weeks ago if what it takes for me to get their attention is my death by suicide. Sometimes I want to stop being responsible because I’ve been the responsible kid for so long with no appreciation…. But thankfully, I know I probably won’t do anything rash or stupid.

        Anyway, thanks for understanding and for relating. You’ve been so helpful and I’m so grateful!

        Liked by 1 person

      3. You’re welcome. I like conversing with you. I think that we share a lot of the same perspectives. I totally agree with your counter-transference theory about your therapist ; ).

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I think we do too! My therapist has mentioned before that we get along really well and that we had a rapport right from the start. I am often very curious about other clients he has and how their intersections are like. He’s kinda geeky like me too and he’s said before that we have a lot in common so I am not surprised if he’s counter transferring too. He has mentioned too that transference isn’t a bad thing especially since it helps me get to a point of realization about issues. But I think it’s cool that we both think so. Hehe… Great minds…

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