I said to a coworker last night, “If I have to get a second serving job, I’m going to kill myself”.
It was prompted by the fact that business at the restaurant I work at is really slow and I’m barely making ends meet. So I was contemplating getting a second job (yes, ok top of being a full time student and struggling with mental illnesses). Then I found myself saying that.
The response I got was a chuckle. I chuckled back because although I meant what I said, I was also afraid that someone will take me seriously.
It’s strange because although I struggle with suicidal ideations, I want people to care enough to take me seriously but at the same time, I don’t want them to take me seriously because if they did, then it makes it real somehow. I don’t understand it myself but yesterday, I wanted my coworker to take me seriously but also not.
What does this mean? I don’t know. My suicidal thoughts have not been as bad as they were about 4 weeks ago but I still have them. That desire to just cease to exist. The mental images of violence that pop up in my head without my control, which scare me but I can’t erase or stop.
I’m not going to kill myself if anyone here is concerned. I just don’t understand why I feel the way I do.