The Guilt of Not Doing Enough

This is the 4th time in a week that I’ve woken up really late. And this is the 3rd time this week that I forgot to take my medication.

I guess I’m not doing so well this week.

I’m trying not to beat myself up over it but it’s hard to when I’ve wasted 4 mornings sleeping in. I can’t say that I’m more depressed than last week but I certainly do feel more physically affected by it this week.

I hate going into therapy every week (since September) and answering the question “How was your week last week?” with a “Bad…”. I feel like a broken record. I feel like my therapist must be getting frustrated with me by now. Who wouldn’t? It’s been almost 8 weeks since I keep saying that I feel bad.

I know that recovery takes time. I know that everyone faces it differently and therefore takes different times to recover. But I can’t help but feel like maybe I’m just not trying hard enough.

Maybe I’m not consciously focusing on positive things so that I can get my mind off negative things.

I don’t know why I feel such an overwhelming sense of guilt this week. Like I’m just not doing enough or that I’m just not good enough for anything or anyone. I feel bad even writing this because I feel like people don’t come to my blog to read “doom and gloom” things. Who needs that in their lives weighing them down, right?

For those of you who have been reading and commenting though. Thank you so much. You don’t know just much you do for me just by being there. It at least makes me feel less crazy because I feel like at least someone is listening and I’m not just talking to myself all the time.

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3 thoughts on “The Guilt of Not Doing Enough

  1. Hello. It sounds as though it perhaps wasn’t easy to write so honestly about how you’re feeling right now and you perhaps fear it’s not what people want to read. I can only speak for myself but I appreciated the courage you showed in sharing this and took from what you have written a positive feeling that you have somewhere here, in your virtual space, that you can express how you are feeling. I know from personal experience that feeling of “I should be trying harder”. For me, it has been as much about learning to give myself permission to stop trying so hard and to treat myself with loving care when I am perhaps not feeling on top form. A very wise therapist once told me to treat depression like a holiday and, as odd as it may sound, I now recognise days where I am feeling low as an opportunity to lavish myself with nurturing things – blankets, television, the best comfort food I can muster the energy to cook (or order!). Take care of yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

    • JL says:

      Hi there, thank you so much for writing and for your kind words. I have realized that through this blog, I not only am able to express myself through semi anonymity and thus reduce the risk of judgment but I also found that many others feel the way I do. It’s nice to not be alone. Thank you for your advice and for showing me that I can indeed learn from this experience. The idea that depression is like a holiday and it being an opportunity for me to lavish myself and care for myself is something I’ve never considered before. I guess I need to learn to care for myself. Thank you again for this!

      Like

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