Anxiety is crippling me today. I’m glad that I don’t have classes to go to because I don’t think I would be able to function if I did.
I’m anxious because the first thing I saw this morning was a comment from an ex-student of mine who means well but completely brought my self-doubts to the forefront of my mind.
As I mentioned before yesterday, I have been thinking about my career trajectory and contemplating a different field than Interior Design Technology. I personally feel like I need to challenge myself to do something I’m not good at instead of just settling for what I know I can do well. So in that vein, I’ve decided that I want to try and learn programming and see if I’m a good fit for Computer Science.
The message I had received this morning was, “I don’t mean to discourage you but there are plenty of programmers out there who are really really good at what they do and they’re 10 years younger than you are. If you had a background of experience in Engineering or IT, it would make sense for you to switch to that field. Otherwise, I don’t think it does…”.
Anxiety kicked to high gear then – not a good way to start the day. Anxiety told me that “See… You’re just not good enough. You wasted your youth and now you’re too old to do anything worthwhile. You might as well just kill yourself now. You won’t amount to anything anyway…”. I freaked out and reached out to three people that I knew would be able to talk some sense into me.
Thankfully, all three people came through for me and told me to not listen to discouraging words from people – especially not when they know that I can and will work hard to achieve my goals. They told me that I am worthy and that they believe in me.
That said, I am still anxious. I feel like someone is squeezing my head really tightly and trying to crush my brain. I am trying to do some math extra credit homework and the first question – which is an applied problem – is making my head reel. It’s making me doubt my application to be a Tutor at the Math Assistance Center. Anxiety told me, “You can’t even do an applied problem. How can you tutor other people math? You yourself can’t figure this out… You’re not going to be good enough. They’re not going to hire you! Why even bother? Just kill yourself already!”
So that’s why I’m writing this. I decided to take a break from the homework to write. Writing in this blog always helps me gather my thoughts. I feel a little less panicky now which is awesome but I know that the minute I go back to my homework, I’ll be anxious again.
I hate that when Depression takes a short break, Anxiety takes over. It’s like my brain is a car that they’re both taking a joyride in and when Depression takes the back seat, Anxiety takes the wheel. They’re taking me to places I don’t want to go and showing me things I don’t want to see.
At this point, I’m struggling. I don’t know what to do. When I’m in this state, any and all coping strategies escape my mind and the only thing I know to do is freak out because I suddenly find myself in a dark place, all by myself.