Remember when I was being a positive and great? And also, remember when I was talking about how Anxiety has taken over the wheel from Depression?
Well, today has been a monumentally stressful day. So stressful that I declared to my husband in the most despairing voice just 10 minutes ago that, “I just want to kill myself”.
I’m not actually going to do it. I just want to. I want to so much because I have been faced with multiple challenges and disappointments that I am feeling too weak to bear today.
My day started okay though. I met with the Academic Advisor at the Computer Science department and we talked over more about the program and whether I’d be a good fit. She assured me that with my current grade standings that I’ll do well if I continue on the same effort and level. So at least, that’s not as huge a burden as it was days ago…
Then I went for my trig class and that went well as well. The chapter we covered wasn’t anything too new or difficult for me though several times during the class, I gave answers that were wrong because I had misread the textbook. My friend, El, told me not to sweat the fact that the other classmates were being annoying about my mistakes. She said that if they should’ve answered if they had known the answer. From what she said, I gathered that she was commencing me for even speaking up as no one else was.
Then the first disappointment of the day came when I got the results of my last quiz back. I had received a 4 out of 6 on the open book quiz. Open. Book.
I had written the information down correctly but drew my triangle in the wrong quadrant which mean that everything else I did was wrong. I was mad. I was mad because I knew how to do this question. I was mad that I was so careless. How could I be so careless? “You’re stupid”, Anxiety told me. “You’re right, Anxiety”, my mind responded. The blow felt almost physical.
Then I went to Architectural Presentation class and was surrounded by further negativity coming from my classmate who kept criticizing the video we were watching. She was probably trying to be funny but it was grating to me. I then found out that I had to do my next project with a partner. I partnered with the girl sitting next to me. I hate group work. It was nothing personal but I just do not like group or partner projects.
Thankfully my tutoring session went ok. The student I was tutoring was responsive and asked good questions. I was stumped by a couple of the questions but he assured me that I was clear and that he felt good having me help him. I had a tiny respite from my anxiety then though I did feel the heat creeping up my face when I realized I couldn’t help him with a couple of the questions. I know I’m not perfect but when I’m teaching someone something, I want to make sure I’m doing it right.
Art class was stressful because I have a big project I need to finish and I feel like I don’t have enough time to do everything I need to do between all the assignments from all the classes and this class. I also felt stressed because I don’t really have enough paint to paint all my searches but I am pretty strapped for cash right now.
The biggest disappointments came when it was time for Speech class because I had spaced on the fact that we had to do an online test over the weekend. I even have the deadline marked on my huge organizer calendar hanging on the door of my office. I had 10 minutes to do the test before class started or I would lose 60 points. It was the instructor who had reminded me of the quiz. I rushed through 60 questions and with only 10 minutes (plus my computer wasn’t cooperating), I only managed to answer 49 questions. I didn’t even take much time to think about the answers. For some of them, I just clicked the multiple choice answer that I thought sounded right. I got a 36/60. The girl who sits next to me told me that for a 10 minute effort that I had done incredibly well and that she was amazed that I was even able to remember the information I needed to answer the quiz. I was very disappointed. I was disappointed at myself for spacing the deadline and for not checking my due dates before class began. I had been too preoccupied with switching my major and too preoccupied with everything but the current classes I’m taking. I’ve been worrying about Spring 2016 and not living in the present.
The next blow came when the instructor announced “Speech Night” – a speech competition in which each class sends a representative to present one Persuasive Speech. I was confident that I would be chosen because I give pretty good speeches. Or so I thought. The instructor decided to make it fair and asked for volunteers. 4 people, including myself, volunteered. Then it was down to me and another guy because the other two forfeited after finding out what was required of them for the participation. The instructor decided to flip a coin to decide. I called “Heads” and lo, the coin after spinning for a while, landed on tails. “Of course it did”, my mind said. I was bummed.
To add to that, I have a persuasive speech to present next Monday and I have no clue what to speak on. I feel an extreme pressure to do well with that speech after missing 24 points in my test. That blunder dropped my grades down to perch between an A and a B.
If you’ve read this far, yes, I know I’m being negative. I’m also extremely overwhelmed and have realized that I’m not able to handle stress very well lately. I know I’m negative but I also can’t stop this feeling. I know that this will pass but getting to it is another story…
I feel like a child that needs to be constantly monitored and affirmed. I’m an adult, dammit! Why can’t I function like I’m one?
I’m just so frustrated, stressed and exhausted. I’m just glad that I’ll be seeing my therapist tomorrow. A lot of times I feel like Tuesday can’t come soon enough.