Thoughts From Therapy – Session #26

I couldn’t get my words out during today’s therapy session.

I can’t help but feel like I’ve wasted the session because I not only couldn’t get my thoughts out, I couldn’t even really remember what I wanted to talk about half the time.

We talked about how I’m changing my major to Computer Science and how stressed and anxious I’ve been. We talked about how I’m just not handling things well, about my disappointing and difficult day yesterday.

There was no clear direction in my thoughts and I felt like I was just wandering aimlessly. I kinda felt like my therapist was struggling to understand exactly what I was bringing to the session today.

When we talked about school and classes, he asked me if I felt like I am always having to pretend to be normal or to fit in. He noted that it seemed like my classmates aren’t connecting with me and hence is making me feel like I need to work hard to connect with them. He also mentioned that it seemed like I’m heaping everything on myself – all the responsibilities, all the feelings like I need to prove my worth, all the pressure to succeed, etc.

I told him that I’ve been fluctuating between feeling like I’ve got a lot of confidence and none at all. Like I can do everything I put my mind to and like I can’t do anything the next.

We also touched a little about the sexual abuse that I had experienced as a child and how I feel like it has shaped my identity. I feel like I’m very masculine and do masculine things because I’ve always had to protect myself and I act masculine because that would make me not be noticed by men. I know it is affecting how I relate with my husband somehow, though I can’t remember a lot of details of what happened, I know that it is definitely causing a lot of marital stress.

My therapist told me that we have briefly talked about the childhood trauma but we’ve never really delved deeper into it so he wants us to deal with it a lot more next week. I’ll be interested to see how that goes because I really don’t know. I’ve never really dug deeper into this aspect of my life and I’m a little afraid. I will definitely have to write up a post to speak about it later as I’ve never talked about the trauma before.

Anyway, so today’s session felt like a bust. My therapist did ask me if I feel like I’ve expressed all the things I needed to address today or whether there are still other things I wanted to talk about. I looked through my journal and realized that I had covered most of the things that were bothering me this week.

So why do I feel so empty? It’s that feeling I get when I feel like I’ve wasted a session and now I have to wait another week before I see my therapist again.

I’m also not really remembering our session very well either. How can I? – when I can’t even remember the things I said to him since they were all so disjointed.

Anyway, I’ve had time since then to reconnect my thoughts and I think I was just intensely overwhelmed at the time of therapy. I didn’t expect something like that to happen during therapy – that I would feel lost and helpless. I should’ve articulated how I felt a little better instead of saying “I don’t know” over and over. You’d think that by now, I’d have learned to be a little bit more communicative. I do realize that today I clammed up a little, the way I’ve been familiar with, instead of being a lot more open the way that I’ve been learning to.

If things don’t get any better by tomorrow though, I know that I have the option of the walk-in session to utilize – I just never feel like I’m feeling bad enough to use them.

UPDATE:

I wrote to my therapist a couple of hours after today’s session explaining to him how lost I felt after our session today but also added some disparaging comments about myself (“I should just be an adult and deal, right?” were my exact words) because you know… Habits… And he had written back. I was surprised because I didn’t expect an answer – I don’t get replies from him very often. He does apologize for the lack of responses though I always tell him that I understand because of how busy he probably gets. Also, it’s hard for therapists to respond through email about things that might be too sensitive to reveal on an unsecured platform like email.

So that said, I wrote to him just as a cry for help. I had anxiety after I hit “Send” because I didn’t know what to expect. I told him that I had been experiencing an overwhelming desire to hurt myself again. I thought we had worked past that but I think these things have a way to worm their way back into our lives.

He told me not to feel bad because that’s how it goes sometimes (I’m assuming “that” means my feeling lost and not being very clear during today’s session). He reminded me of the on-call hours of CAPS (Counseling and Psychological Services) and that I also have the option to use various crisis lines on their off hours.

I told him that I will try my best and if not, that he could expect to see me again sometime this week. I don’t think I’m in the position of dire need as I was earlier so I don’t think I will be seeing him until next week but knowing that I have his support if I need it is comforting. Just knowing that feels enough at the moment. Just seeing his reply feels enough at the moment.

I was heard and somehow, that feels like it’s enough and that it’s what I needed.

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