This is just another filler post before I sit down and write my thoughts from today’s session but I just wanted to write because I suddenly felt a surge of anger, rage and depression all at once. So much so that I’m listening to Linkin Park again.
The only times I listen to them is when I feel extremely emotionally overwhelmed – often, I listen to them when I’m feeling extremely angry. I don’t know what really triggered this anger but I am currently fuming mad for what seems like no apparent reason.
I got done writing in my journal about 30 minutes ago and actually felt a little down after the experience. I think S really touched a nerve today – a nerve that I don’t think either one of us really realized I had. He had asked an innocent enough question that had brought on an onslaught of emotions that I didn’t know I had.
After I finished the journal entry (which took me 2 hours and 30 minutes to write – it’s very time consuming writing by hand), I looked at the list of assignments I needed to complete and it was I think at this point that I was triggered.
I saw that I had an assignment for every single class and I think what triggered me was probably the assignment from the class I least like – Architectural Presentation. I don’t like the assignment, not because of the instructor – not at all!, because of the fact that I had scan large sheets of tracing paper with all my technical drawings on them. A feeling of rage surged as I fiddled with my crappy scanner and I felt more rage as I realized that the scanner wouldn’t fit my entire drawing, which meant many scans of the same image.
Two sheets of scanning in, the scanner decided to quit on me and I kid you not, I punched my chair and nearly ripped my drawings in my rage. If I hadn’t had my head screwed on right, I would’ve smashed the scanner then and there. I really am “my own worst enemy” – as Linkin Park‘s Chester would sing.
I don’t understand the sudden anger. That’s why I decided to come here and write. I am feeling a lot calmer than I was just a few minutes ago. And the feeling that I need to destroy something (or worse, cut myself) has temporarily passed. I think I was probably overwhelmed by not only the emotions I had from today’s therapy session but also by all the social interactions that I had done today and topped by the overwhelming feeling that I am running out of time to finish all my assignments. I also have a Trig quiz tomorrow that I have yet to study for because graphs confuse the heck out of me.
I’m also meeting a couple of friends to have dinner in lieu of my birthday and I feel like I can’t catch a break. I can’t even relax on a day that’s supposed to be my relaxation day. See, this is why I don’t care for birthdays that much – to me, it’s just another day; it’s no excuse to slack off. At the same time, I feel like I really need to slack off. That I need to relax and stop thinking for a little bit.
Anyway… I’m going to go for the dinner and try to enjoy myself. I’ll figure out the dumb assignments later. Btw, I was so upset that my sweet husband asked me if I wanted him to do my assignments for me – lol.