So my in-laws are visiting for Thanksgiving.
I really don’t mind being around them because I’ve gotten used to having them over and stuff.
That said, I’m currently upstairs in my little messy sanctuary I call my office because Mother-in-Law decided that she needed a 15 minute nap and I decided to use this time to just be myself for a little bit. They’ve been here since noon so it’s not too bad but I know that they’ll probably still be here come evening time.
Again, I like them and they like me – but per my post yesterday, it still is difficult to be around people. I’m rather anti-social a lot of the time. Ironically, my husband with Asperger’s is more social than I am some of the time and prefers to spend time with people more than I do.
I can’t explain it. I just get so worn out being around people.
When I want to have a get-together, it usually has to be on my own terms – small group of just very close friends and no surprises, meaning no one can bring an unexpected guest or I’d freak out. Well, since I’m not a fan of confrontations, usually people won’t know that I’m freaking out – my world would just be turned upside down in my mind but on the exterior, I probably look fine.
This is the reason why it’s difficult for me to say “Yes” to “Would you like to come to my party?” type of questions. I say yes just because I can’t say no – I haven’t learned how to say no and so I always get into situations I don’t want to because when put on the spot, I go with an affirmative answer.
This is why starting a club is a little worrying for me because I know that when the club picks up momentum and starts getting larger, I’m going to have trouble keeping myself engaged or interested. It’s not that I’m not interested, it’s just going to be very difficult for me to deal with the large number of people. I’m just very glad that I have a good set of core committee members with me who I’m sure will be able to help me keep my fort from falling apart.
I think this trait of mine is also why whenever I get into arguments or confrontations, my go-to strategy is to stonewall and withdraw. I just can’t handle people’s emotions – how can I when I can’t even identify and handle my own?
This and many other traits is why sometimes I suspect that I have Borderline Personality Disorder – I know that I am extremely picky about who my friends are and often have very intense but unstable relationships. I also come across as quite abusive in how I sometimes speak or respond to those who are closest to me. I’ve asked S if he thought I could have that and he personally thought that I don’t present enough outward anger/rage towards others to have it and that he doesn’t feel like I do. He told me that those with BPD often projects a very strong feeling that they have BPD but I don’t present that way. *shrugs* In any case, it doesn’t matter. After all, it’s just a diagnosis. I know that I do have traits and working on overcoming them should just be all that matters for me…
I digress… I guess I should probably go back downstairs and rejoin my family.
I just need to keep reminding myself not to bring up anything mental health related (we run out of conversation topics so quickly sometimes that I feel like I have no choice but to talk about it since that relates to the question “So how have you been?”). I did mention to my Mother-in-Law that I’m considering switching majors to Computer Science and she seemed quite ecstatic about it. I was surprised because I thought she would flip out since it’ll mean that I’ll be in school at least one more year but she didn’t… She does have pretty intense mood swings though so I think today might just be a good day for me to have talked to her about it. Also, she has never approved of me going into Interior Design Technology anyway so perhaps she thinks that Computer Science is a better choice of career path.
Anyway, to everyone else suffering from some kind of mental disorder or sensory processing disorder, good luck for the holidays! Know that you’re not alone in how you’re feeling and don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re any less of a human being just because you struggle. Don’t let anyone tell you how you should and shouldn’t feel this holiday season.
Happy Thanksgiving/Happy Holidays folks!