It just occurred to me today that if I don’t want my psychologist to read into something or ask me how I feel about it to talk about it, that I shouldn’t bring it up. I just realized that every time I go in to speak to my psychologist, almost everything we talk about has a purpose of being there in the conversation. Somehow, he’s always able to tie everything back in together in a neat way. Even the things that I thought were just throwaway comments always end up back on the table and tied in with other more “important” things that I’ve talked about.
Today, I wanted him to help me figure out why I was so upset on Saturday when I was telling someone about something matter-of-fact about leaving Malaysia. I had nearly cried as I told this person the story that I had talked about before. I didn’t understand why I felt the way I did and so I brought it up in today’s session.
Of course, S asked me why I felt the way I did. I told him that I didn’t know. I mean, dude, I just told you I don’t know, why ask me again, right? But somehow, him asking me that made me think a little harder than I did on Saturday when I first experienced this feeling. And somehow, I figured out that the reason why it hit me so hard this time around despite having already talked about it before was because of one small detail that I had forgotten about until last Saturday. Talking about it with S today made me remember it again.
And as I left the session today, I realized that if I don’t want to talk about something, I really shouldn’t bring it up. I brought up an issue that I didn’t really want to talk about today which led to me bawling my eyes out uncontrollably for 10 minutes.
I know I know. If you don’t talk about it and bring it to light, you can’t learn from it, grow from it or change your life. I know all that but sometimes, I think I just want a break from facing my demons, y’know? Anyone else feel this way?
Btw, sorry for the sporadic posts here lately, guys. I’ve been struggling with my ADHD pretty badly lately. I can’t even focus on conversations much less sitting down to write blog posts. Also, I’m in the middle of finals so I’ve been less inspired to write as I haven’t been thinking about anything but studies lately.
On a happier note, I have received the highest grade for math in my life! I got an A+ with 107.69% and got 84/80 for my final exam which landed me with the title of “Best in Section”. I got into the 99th percentile out of the 700+ student too. I have never been happier or more excited in my life. I was shaking and out of sorts for hours yesterday when I found out. It has to be my biggest achievement to date!