I know I promised to write a summary of what I’ve learned from my therapy session a few days ago but I really can’t get around to doing it. With all the studying I’ve been doing these past few days (can you believe it’s only been a week?) and all the other things I’ve been trying to fit into my life, it seems almost impossible to get to writing a long thoughtful post. I will try not to drop off the face of the Earth and hopefully soon I’ll be able to write a meaningful post.
For now, I just wanted to drop an update here so that people know that I’m still around – just trying to chug along. Things have been good and bad for me these past few days and after the few good days (I could actually tell you that I was happy – a foreign concept that I was very surprised by) but the bad days are beginning. I’ve been pretty down all day today and there has just been some circumstances in my life right now that I can’t really talk about which when added to my already moderate anxiety about school is threatening to tear me apart.
And course, when it rains, it pours. My psychologist, S, is away for the next two weeks and it’ll be another 17 days before I will see him again. He and I have set up some steps I could take or things I could do to help myself through the next 17 days but at the same time, I can’t help but feel like things seem to be worse whenever he’s not around – when he is around, some days, I go to therapy and have nothing to talk about and end up meandering around a topic that I really didn’t care to talk about because it really didn’t affect me all that much. Then when he has to be on leave or goes on a break, suddenly, everything important floods in to my life.
The only thing I think that’s really keeping me going is the fact that I am getting more social interaction than I used to – having friends and a loving husband helps tremendously – a fact that I never used to believe. I used to see myself as a lone wolf who is able to survive on my own but now that I have a pack to be with, I don’t ever want to be alone again. It took me 4 years to get a group of friends I can trust and love. Now that I have found this group I can be intimate with (we’ve only known each other about 3 months but we’re the best of friends – brought together by a common goal and similar family backgrounds and all of us suffering some type of mental disorder or atypical condition or other), I can’t imagine life without them. Although my husband has been a great source of strength and love, having these friends brings an entirely new dimension to my social interactions and I realize now how important a support group is.
That said, this still doesn’t stop me from feeling like I’m a burden to my new-found friends and a burden to my husband. I know Depression lies – I know that it tells me that I’m not worthy of love and that I’m a burden but at the same time, I can’t shake those thoughts yet.
I might have to go see a clinician tomorrow at a walk-in session at CAPS tomorrow just to get stuff off my chest and prepare myself for the rest of the week. Not being able to see S is really difficult and I do hate to admit my dependency on him but if I had to be really honest, I would admit that I need him.
Anyway, this was supposed to be a quick update post but obviously, I started to contemplate things a little bit. I hope everyone else is having a better time than I am – I hope that I will be able to find that happiness that I’ve had for a couple of days last week back. I haven’t felt as peaceful and calm as I did in those days for a while now.