Late Night Desperation

Well, I’m still struggling today.

I think it has largely been because of the poor choices I’ve made today and now ruminating on those poor choices is making me feel more depressed. I had a grande size Starbucks green tea latte this afternoon – against my better judgment. Not only have I been getting used to consuming only about 50-100g of carbs a day, I’ve also cut down on my sugar intake and have almost entirely eliminated caffeine from my diet. Downing the 16oz sugary drink that was loaded with caffeine was a terrible idea. I did it because I was tutoring trigonometry to a student who had decided that Starbucks is the place she’d like us to meet at. I did it because I didn’t feel right taking up room at the coffee shop without purchasing something. I suppose I could’ve gotten a bottle of water. But I didn’t.

Later that evening, I decided that it was a good idea to join in on some wine tasting at work. I don’t think I consumed anything more than 3 oz of red wine but being the lightweight that I am, I was pretty “lit” for a few hours after the wine consumption. Alcohol almost always depresses me – the only time that had proven to be the opposite was when I was in the company of my best friends who had taken good care of me – and as I am already depressed as it is, the alcohol kicked things up a notch.

I chided myself for being an idiot. I know myself well enough to know that consuming sugar, caffeine and alcohol would lead to disastrous consequences. Then why did I do it? I can’t explain it myself.

I did tell Hubster earlier tonight that I can’t enjoy all the things that people find enjoyable – I can’t tolerate most stimulants which includes my ADHD medications (Adderall and Ritalin), caffeine and energy drinks. I can’t tolerate alcohol. I can’t tolerate cigarettes. There’s another thing that most people enjoy that I can’t enjoy either but it’s something that I’m not comfortable discussing yet. I mused over the fact that I really have nothing that I can relate to people with where socialization is concerned because most people bond over having a cup of coffee or a smoke or a few hard drinks. I can’t enjoy any of that and it made me feel somewhat bitter.

So I’m still up at 2.12am, wasting time in front of the computer and wishing that I wasn’t feeling so desperately lonely. I mean, no one I’m close to is up at this time. Who am I to talk to but my depressed self?

I know what I have to do to end this – I have to go to sleep.

Sleep is the thing that will help me stop ruminating and overthinking. Yet, I can’t sleep because the Straterra that I just took two hours ago is keeping me up. It’s ironic really, that when I take the Straterra in the morning, I get so drowsy that I can barely function but when I take it at night, I can’t sleep. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep since I’ve taken this medication and I’m told that the side effects will lessen once my body gets used to it.

Until then, I think it’ll be more insomniac nights for me then – nights where I lay awake, dwelling on things that I really shouldn’t be thinking about; tossing and turning in bed while having stress dreams about Calculus and Computing, and feeling listless and depressed.

I am afraid of the things that my mind will push my body to do when I’m tired, grumpy and desperately sad. I haven’t hurt myself in a at least a month now. I don’t want to start again. I don’t want to do anything stupid. I hope I don’t.

I need to sleep.

I’ll try to sleep.

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