Lowest Point

Well tonight I hit my lowest point. I don’t remember a time worse than this or a time where I had actually contemplated writing a note.

Perhaps it’s time for me to answer my BHM (Behavioral Health Measure) questionnaire with a “Moderate” risk under the “How high is your risk of suicide?” section. I’ve always put my answer at the “Low” to “No Risk” sections. I’ve never contemplated writing a note before.

Tonight I did.

Tonight so many things came together to kick me down and I think it’s largely because of some miscommunication and misunderstanding on my part. It’s like my brain, which is already in a depressed state, jumped straight to negative overdrive and stayed there all night.

I am still in that state but a little past wanting to actually kill myself. I’m back in the passive suicidal mode where I want to die and wish I was dead but am no longer contemplating writing a note and things like that.

The thing is, the people I complain to all the time have heard it so much that it’s become possibly grating to them. “Oh here we go again. She’s suicidal again.” – if it isn’t, then at least that’s how I perceive it to be. If I had a loved one who kept going back to the suicidal mode, I would be annoyed to at some point.

I won’t kill myself tonight. But I sure wish I was dead.

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2 thoughts on “Lowest Point

  1. Be brave.
    They say it’s always darkest before the dawn, but often enough, waiting for that dawn can seem like forever. Added to that, it’s a cycle. Dawn never comes once and the darkness will always return before the next dawn.
    The trick is to just bear it out for a little while more and the light will come.
    And you will see those who do care for you; those who do love you; those who do cherish you.
    Look to your side; there is a man there who does all that for you and he needs you as much as you need him. You are each other’s light.
    So be brave.
    And live.

    Liked by 1 person

    • JL says:

      Thanks B. I’ve been having a very hard time and it’s hard to get out of my mind. I hate that I ruminate so much. And I hate that I can’t stop the negativity. But thank you for your heartfelt message. I truly appreciate it.

      Liked by 1 person

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