More Of The Same

Today is more of the same.

Still stuck in rumination and negativity. The worst part was how I know that just a few weeks before this, I was finally on the mend. But then, I let life get to me again and now I’m finding it harder than ever to get back up.

I’ve been dissociated and withdrawn all day today. I didn’t want to message my friends and I didn’t want to talk to anyone.

In many ways, I feel ashamed and the shame is not allowing me to forgive myself or to let go of the poor choices I’ve made. So I end up making more poor choices.

I’ve been taking care of myself physically lately – I was finally able to start exercising after coaxing myself to do so for the past year. I also cut down tremendously on sugar, carbs and empty calories. So physically, I’ve been feeling better and it’s been helping me battle this depression. If I wasn’t as physically well as I am now, I think I might’ve succumbed to my depression even more. That said, I’ve been making some poor diet choices today – I indulged in more carbs and sugar than I should’ve and more food than I should’ve consumed in a day.

It’s terrible how easy it is to slip back to my old self. All those months of hard work with S feels like wasted time and energy. Last week, he assured me that it’s ok to slip up because recovery can sometimes be a one-step-forward, two-steps-back kind of process but it’s hard for me not to feel bad.

I feel bad about everything and I can’t let go. I’ve been trying to do a mindfulness exercise that S taught me for precisely that purpose and it hasn’t been helping.

I’m definitely stuck in a mental rut and a part of me is comfortable with that. A part of me doesn’t want me to ever leave that rut. I was better for a few weeks and have never felt as good as I had but the part of me that wants to keep being depressed was terrified when I was better. It’s such a battle.

I’m just so tired. Last night, when I told my friend that I was tired of this pain and I want to leave this life, she told me that the answer is to remove the pain and not myself. I see her point but saying that is easier than doing it.

So this is what my blog has become for the part few entries – a place for me to ramble and a place for me store all my negative thoughts. It’s a wonder that anyone even reads this at all. It’s nothing uplifting. It certainly isn’t positive.

Anyway, I just needed to vent and I’m glad that at the very least, I have this blog to do this in.

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4 thoughts on “More Of The Same

  1. mentalbreakinprogress says:

    Jules! πŸ™‚ xo (((hugs))) I have brought blankets…we’re making blanket forts! lol that’s where I like to go when I feel withdrawn. We had to buy Dexter a crate recently and it’s actually big enough that it would make a wonderful reading nook lol that may be my next hibernating spot next time. I’m sorry you’re having a rough go of things lately. I can totally relate to not wanting to get back to people or really, have anything to do with anyone. I’m glad to hear you’ve been taking care of your physical health. It’s amazing just what exercise and diet can do. Sending tons of good vibes your way! ❀ xo

    Like

    • JL says:

      Thank you so much! You don’t know just how much this means to me! ((hugs)) And a blanket fort sounds like the best idea ever! Thank you again. I hope Dexter feels better soon, the poor boy.

      Liked by 1 person

      • mentalbreakinprogress says:

        Dexter sends his love πŸ™‚ xo lol he’s already back to himself being the little stinker he is lol don’t let the innocent puppy eyes fool you πŸ˜‰ And yeah, blanket forts are the best! πŸ˜€ lol Nothing like a blanket fort to channel your inner child and provide them with comfort ❀ (((hugs))) xo

        Liked by 1 person

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