Today is more of the same.
Still stuck in rumination and negativity. The worst part was how I know that just a few weeks before this, I was finally on the mend. But then, I let life get to me again and now I’m finding it harder than ever to get back up.
I’ve been dissociated and withdrawn all day today. I didn’t want to message my friends and I didn’t want to talk to anyone.
In many ways, I feel ashamed and the shame is not allowing me to forgive myself or to let go of the poor choices I’ve made. So I end up making more poor choices.
I’ve been taking care of myself physically lately – I was finally able to start exercising after coaxing myself to do so for the past year. I also cut down tremendously on sugar, carbs and empty calories. So physically, I’ve been feeling better and it’s been helping me battle this depression. If I wasn’t as physically well as I am now, I think I might’ve succumbed to my depression even more. That said, I’ve been making some poor diet choices today – I indulged in more carbs and sugar than I should’ve and more food than I should’ve consumed in a day.
It’s terrible how easy it is to slip back to my old self. All those months of hard work with S feels like wasted time and energy. Last week, he assured me that it’s ok to slip up because recovery can sometimes be a one-step-forward, two-steps-back kind of process but it’s hard for me not to feel bad.
I feel bad about everything and I can’t let go. I’ve been trying to do a mindfulness exercise that S taught me for precisely that purpose and it hasn’t been helping.
I’m definitely stuck in a mental rut and a part of me is comfortable with that. A part of me doesn’t want me to ever leave that rut. I was better for a few weeks and have never felt as good as I had but the part of me that wants to keep being depressed was terrified when I was better. It’s such a battle.
I’m just so tired. Last night, when I told my friend that I was tired of this pain and I want to leave this life, she told me that the answer is to remove the pain and not myself. I see her point but saying that is easier than doing it.
So this is what my blog has become for the part few entries – a place for me to ramble and a place for me store all my negative thoughts. It’s a wonder that anyone even reads this at all. It’s nothing uplifting. It certainly isn’t positive.
Anyway, I just needed to vent and I’m glad that at the very least, I have this blog to do this in.