Am I selfish to wish that sometimes someone can just go out of their way to ask you how your day is instead of you doing it all the time?
This thought came to mind earlier as I looked at someone’s blog and saw that they had gotten a lot of comments and support. I felt happy for them and felt great that they had such support. I even extended my support to them.
While all this was happening, a nastier and negative thought came to my mind in the form of, “Why do they get support and you don’t? When is it going to be your turn to hear such nice things from people?” – I felt sickened by that thought and it sickened me because it made me feel petty and jealous. That I am selfish for feeling that way about someone else.
My more positive and rational side bit back and said, “Everyone needs and deserve support. Just because they’re getting the support they need, doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve it. It doesn’t meant that you won’t get it or haven’t gotten it. Have you forgotten about the times when people have extended their support to you? All the times that your hubby and your friends told you how much you mattered to them? Why are you having such petty thoughts?”
I don’t know what to think or how to feel, to be honest. I get bouts of petty jealousy like this welling up in me when I feel like I’m not getting the attention I crave and need. And then when I do get the attention I wanted, I flinch and retreat away – batting away people’s attempts to help me and support me.
On one hand, I want to hear nice things and see people be supportive but on the other hand, I am also the same person who is actively refusing the encouraging words and running away feeling embarrassed when people do extend their support. In the end, because of my behavior, I end up putting people off and no one wants to help anymore. In the end, I just do this to myself repeatedly.
I just don’t know what’s wrong with me – for me to keep doing this to myself, over and over. It makes no sense.
I don’t want to feel needy and be needy and yet, that’s exactly what I am – I am needy and crave attention. Whose attention it is that I desperately need, is another question altogether and a question that I have no energy to explore right now.