I just had the biggest meltdown that I could ever remember having. I cried all through my 10 minute shower, I tried to talk to Hubster and when that threatened to devolve into an argument, I retreated and cried some more. Then later, I went back downstairs, hugged him and told him that I didn’t deserve such a kind and patient husband. Then I cried so much more.
I told him of all the things that I’ve been feeling and thinking today. The trigger was the 78% that I got in my Calculus exam. I left the exam feeling confident that I was going to get at least a B+ despite knowing that I’ve made a few mistakes. When I saw that it was a 78, I was so disappointed.
All kinds of irrational thought flooded into my head – too many to list them all but among the most prominent being, “You’re such a disgrace. You don’t deserve to work at the Math Assistance Center when you can’t even ace your exam!”, “Hah. And you think you can make it as a computer scientist? You don’t even know how to do basic Calculus. How can you go on to do Calc 2 and Calc 3?”, “You’re never going to make it as a computer science major. You barely understand programming and it’s already mid semester!”, “You work three jobs and you’re still barely making any money. You’re pathetic and you’re just wasting time!”, “You keep making your husband feel like you hate him. You treat him with such contempt. You’re a horrible human being for being so cruel, selfish and unkind. He’s your husband. How could you?”, “You’re awful. People’s lives are better off without you”, and worst of all, “You’re so much of a coward that you don’t even have the guts to take your own life!”
It was like getting beat down and punched in the gut over and over again in a street fight, except this all happened in my head and the abuser was my own mind – maybe a depression-influenced mind, but still my own nonetheless.
Hubster tried to assuage me but I wouldn’t have it. I would counter everything he said. I finally just sobbed and told him the I feel like I should just die, that his life would be better without me in it because then he doesn’t have to put with me and my terrible behavior anymore. It’s the same pattern over and over and I reasoned with him that he must be sick of it by now. He said nothing. Instead, he just sat beside me, half hugged me and kept patting my arm.
Then I decided that I was going to just going to go to bed. I couldn’t cry anymore. As I’m writing this, I feel spent. I feel sore, exhausted and just drained. I wasn’t going to write this but then I saw something on my Facebook feed that came from a random page that curates Steampunk related items. They normally only post Steampunk items but today, they posted this:
It was posted 19 hours ago and by right, shouldn’t have even showed up on my feed anymore since I had just refreshed it. Yet, somehow, it did. It showed up and I read it.
For some reason, a page that never ever talks about anything other than Steampunk posted this message. And I happened to read it. I am amazed by the timing – this and many other reasons is why I believe, despite my self loathing, that there is a God who is looking after me, even when I don’t believe I deserve His love.
I don’t know what tomorrow will be like. I will see S on Wednesday so at least if I can hang on until then, help will be there. I also have group therapy tomorrow so even if I don’t find what I need tomorrow at group, I know I can pull one of the two therapists aside and talk to them if I need to.
For tonight, I think the kind words from my friend, B, and the uplifting words from this Steampunk page on Facebook will carry me through the rest of the night.