Tired of Not Being OK

It has been a difficult day. I’ve been struggling with my program all day and I don’t even know what it is that I’m really struggling with. I just know that I know what I want to create but I don’t know how to go about it.

My Computing Professor told us before that when we say we don’t know how to make something, it’s because we don’t really know what we want to make. I’m pretty sure I know what I am trying to do but I’ve had moments where I’ve wondered if I really do.

Of course, all day today I’ve been questioning my place in Computer Science and whether I can cut it. If I am struggling so hard in this class (which is the beginner class), I don’t know how I’ll survive the next Computing class because that’s actually a weed-out class.

I texted the friend who is responsible for influencing my decision to go down this path and he told me that the project that I’m currently working on, “Cryptography”, was also the same project that made him wonder if he was cut out to be a programmer/computer scientist. It made me feel a little better hearing that because he is, aside from my genius husband, the most intelligent person I’ve ever met. He’s so much more talented than I am in the field of math and computer science. So to hear and to know that he had such a hard time with this project a year ago when he took this class, is comforting. Now, he’s one of the best in the program.

This friend of mine, C, tells me that that he believes that I can do it and that I am smart enough to get through Computer Science. Of course, this puts a lot of pressure on me. And today I realized that this is also tied very closely to my problem with shame. I suddenly realized today that I probably feel a different kind of affection for S because he’s the only person in my life who doesn’t have expectations of me. As much as I love the people who make up my support system, I have a self-perceived impression that all these people have expectations of me because they often tell me how much they believe that I can do it. This is related to the shame because I feel ashamed knowing that I don’t believe in myself although they do. I also feel ashamed or at least, I would feel ashamed, if I don’t live up to said expectations. It was an interesting thought – and one that I am looking forward to sharing with S when I see him next week.

Anyway, Hubster told me to take a break from my programming project and go to bed. He said that perhaps sleeping on it will help. I’ve been frustrated all day and earlier when he and I were at the hardware store, I kept looking at all the sharp implements that were in the store and was absentmindedly noting the prices. There was a pocket knife for sale for $4.99 and I remember thinking to myself, “Wow, that’s a pretty cheap and sharp looking knife. Cheap way to go I guess…”.

When I caught myself thinking that, I remembered my verbal promise to S that I would call the crisis line or 911 if I am at the point of harming myself. It was a strong reminder for me to not do anything rash. Still, while I know it’s silly to want to end my life over something as insignificant as a college assignment, at the same time, I can’t help these thoughts. I can’t stop them and I can’t escape them. And no one is more frustrated about it than me.

I am tired and no amount of sleep or rest can heal that. Sure, there are moments of color and some brief moments of what I might describe as “happiness” but there is also so much grey and darkness that these moments of color are too fleeting to grasp.

I’m struggling. I am tired of saying that. I am tired of saying that “I’m not ok but I’ll be fine” to people. I think I lied yesterday when I told S that I was feeling hopeful. I really don’t feel hopeful, no matter how much people tell me that things are going to be ok or that I’ll be ok.

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4 thoughts on “Tired of Not Being OK

  1. I’m in my third year of my major and still questioning whether I’m cut out for it or not LOL and I have . . . many, many years to go. Thinking about all of the science, math, internships, residency, all that B.S that will eventually come make me think, in my current mindset, that it’s going to be impossible for me to complete if I can’t even handle the classes I’m taking now.

    But I have a feeling that’s all part of college. My boyfriend often wonders if he’s on the right path, other people I’ve talked to expressed the same insecurity, and although those of us struggling with our mental health probably take it to a much farther degree, all of us college students are in the same boat. To top it off, the expectations suck, even when we put them upon ourselves without knowing. So I understand where you’re coming from. I guess the only way to know if we’re cut out for something is to keep doing it until we get that final degree or we completely flop out. There’s only two choices here haha.

    Liked by 1 person

    • JL says:

      YES! You totally hit the nail on the head there! You get what I’m whining about. With the mental illness, I’m being pushed to my breaking point daily – more so than the typical college kid IMHO. I’m sure you recognize what I’m saying. Maybe next semester, I need to do less. I think this semester I’ve taken on too much and too many things (both college related and personal life related) are happening at once to cause me to just spiral downwards.

      Back in 2005-2008, when I did my first degree, I wasn’t stressed at all. Then again, I didn’t have depression (only ADHD but I think I managed to manage that well enough despite not knowing I had ADHD) but now that I’ve graduated with a first class honors in my first degree, in the back of my mind, there’s always a HUGE expectation that I’ve made for myself (which is so unfair) that I need to beat my former self and be better than I was in 2008. Totally dumb expectation sure, but somehow, I can’t silence that voice. >_>

      And I think if I were more rational, I’d say that we’re cut out for WHATEVER we choose to be cut out for, you know? Life is about choices and once we make them, we need to stick to them. But that’s me on a rational day. I’m not so rational lately. Haha…

      Like

  2. Hi there, I’ve been thinking about you, worrying about you a bit. I feel like I’d like to be your big sister and come take care of you for a while. I can see you are having a really hard time. And despite all your talents and hard work and kindness, you have trouble finding the good in yourself.

    I know about the suicidal thoughts, I mean, I have had them too and know how that feels. It is about desperation and wishing with all your heart to stop feeling like this, but you don’t know any way to make it stop. So it seems like dying is the solution. I know there are other solutions there. It just takes a while to find them. Please, trust that they are there, even if you can’t see them at the moment.

    I felt eternally worn out last summer too, like I could barely make it through the day and could never get enough rest. It helped a lot to take a leave. I don’t know if a semester off is something you could consider? One semester out of your whole life, to rest and care for yourself. Or even going to half time student status? For me, it helped me rebuild some strength and hope, and it’s been easier (not easy, but easier) to function since I’ve gone back.

    Liked by 1 person

    • JL says:

      Hi Q! Just hearing from you and reading those kind words warmed my heart. And to know that you’ve been thinking of me and worrying about me as well made me weep. To know that someone out there has their heart on me really really comforts me. And then to hear you validate me like that, it just meant a lot to me. I can’t thank you enough.

      The suicidal thoughts are weird in a way. I am thankful that my rational side is almost always stronger than the irrational suicidal one which means that sometimes I feel bad for feeling suicidal because a part of me knows that I will probably never do anything and if that’s the case, then my suicidal thoughts are then a cry for attention. It probably isn’t – I mean, like you said, it is that desperation of wanting things to stop hurting – but at the same time, somehow, I sometimes question how much of it is also because I want people to care. It’s also weird in a sense that sometimes, I’d catch myself having suicidal thoughts and I’d be so afraid of them because I know that a part of me doesn’t want to leave. So it’s like a tug of war of sorts. I’m sure you know what I mean.

      I believe you. I believe that there are these solutions. I think that the fact that so many changes are happening at once are aggravating my insecurities and my fears. Today, I had a day where I was mostly stable but that was because I took an entire day to myself – just walked to the mall, spent the entire morning and afternoon trying out different restaurants and I even had ice cream. Though I can’t say that the feelings have all gone away, for once in 2 months, I felt like I could make it through the rest of this week just fine. I started believing that I’m ok. Despite all the pain, I felt confident that I would be ok. So, yeah, it’s like you suggested – just having that break from the sameness of the days seemed to have an effect on me.

      I don’t know if I’ll be able to take that semester off – though it might not be such a bad idea – but I have planned my Fall semester in such a way that of the 4 classes that I’d be taking, 2 of them would be “easy” classes. I think a part of me (the rebellious angry teen) is lashing out because of all the changes and uncertainties that’s been happening lately (we’re moving, I’m doing an entirely unfamiliar major now, I’m suddenly having to work really hard in school when I used to coast through because I was doing things that I was familiar with, etc). I hope this is temporary. The rational adult part of me thinks that it is. The rebellious teen has always been an angry one and I think like you, this side of me has definitely been clamoring for attention – wanting “mommy” and being very bitter and angry that she’s not getting what she wants…

      Anyway… I’m very glad to have heard from you. Thanks for checking in. I did make a promise to S that I will call the crisis line if I feel too overwhelmed and I intend to keep that promise. But still, I liked that you checked in. It’s very comforting. Thank you!

      Liked by 1 person

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