The link below takes you to an article that is very important and very powerful. If you, or anyone you know, are contemplating suicide, here are some important messages you have to read. Suicide is no laughing matter and the more we talk about it, the less likely people are going to feel like they need to take this route because they know that someone out there cares for them and that they can talk to someone. Please share this article. You never know whose life you’ll save:
I read this article just 5 minutes ago and wept as I did.
The stories were those I related with deeply and some of the more poignant ones were the ones who had mentioned the littlest things like their cat crawling on their lap wanting to be pet, the beautiful cloud formation in the sky, the smile of a child, the joyful look on a dog’s face… It reminded me that even the littlest things matter and if even the littlest things matter, then why not me?
Two Bible verses just came to me as I thought that. It’s been a while since I’ve read the Bible, my spiritual life has been suffering along with my mental health, but I have moments that feel like divine intervention and this moment, feels like one of them.
Matthew 6:26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?
Luke 12: 6-7 Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. 7 Why, even the hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear not; you are of more value than many sparrows.
I’m reminded by these verses because they tell me that I’m valued – even if I don’t feel so, by God who had created me. That is a powerful reminder because God is greater than anything anyone can ever imagine and yet, in His greatness, He still cares for me. One out of 7 billion souls on this planet and I’m still valued. I’ve forgotten that.
I matter. If not on a grand scale of things, at the very least, I matter to my husband, to my friends, to my little rabbit and to my little chipmunk. And even if no one else, then I matter to me. I need to convince myself of that because so many people believe in me and the one who doesn’t is myself.
I think going through changes and healing through therapy has really thrown a wrench into things I’m familiar with, things I can control and know. I think that’s what has been aggravating my depression. So when I saw this message in the article, I felt like it was talking about my life too:
“Sometimes it seems like an endless battle that is fought within the mind and fueled by the emotions. Slowly it chips away at you piece by piece, but underneath all of those layers is where you begin to find the truth of who you are, what you have been carrying with you all of this time, and when you reach the point where you feel as though you have nothing left to lose, that is when you must hold on the most because profound changes are just around the corner waiting for you to take that leap, not to your death, but into a new life. You are not alone in this process of waking up, and you are loved more than you could possibly know by people you may never expect. Every act of kindness you have ever done has made this world a better place and we need more of that, we need you.”
Yes, it seems like an endless battle because what’s worse than fighting your own mind? I do feel chipped away; broken and tired. At the same time, I have a feeling that I’m finding out the real me. The truth of who I really am. I’ve been hiding, pretending and putting on facades for 30 years. Now that I’m finally finding out who I really am, I am afraid.
I think that’s natural – who wouldn’t be afraid? Everything they’ve ever known is getting ripped away – all the bad habits, all the negative self-talk, all the pain, everything. Everything I’ve ever known about myself – both truth and lie – are dissolving. I want to believe that what’s left under all the defenses I’ve put up to protect myself all these years will reveal who I truly need to be.
Like the quote above says, I need to hold on. I need to push through the layers of pain. After all, birthing is a painful process, I’m told. The process of bringing a baby into the world is a painful one but through this pain, a new life and a new strength emerges. Perhaps the same is going on for me and for all who are going through recovery.
S told me that the process is sometimes gradual but that it is really happening – in his outside perspective, he tells me that he is very glad that I am recovering even if I don’t feel like I am; even if I feel like I’ve taken 2 steps back. I can’t see it myself, but I am glad that I have people on the outside to remind me that I am making progress and that I need to keep going.
I may be afraid but I think that everyone around me is ready to help. All I need is to believe that and to believe that I can get through this.
After I finished this post, I went to Twitter, and this was what I saw: