Happy Rounded Pi Day! Today’s date is 3/14/16 (for those who live in the US) which makes it 3.1416 which is the rounded number of Pi.
So I meant to post this sooner (on the actual Pi Day itself), but I had forgotten my blog password on my laptop and I was out for most of the day today. I had taken the day to myself while Hubster was off fixing the new apartment for us to move to. I walked to the mall and spent the entire day there by myself – just trying out some new restaurants and then getting a massage, and even ice cream by the end of the day. I treated myself and I think it was something I desperately needed.
Anyway, back to Pi Day… I like Pi. Ever since I did trig last semester, I’ve loved it. It’s a transcendental irrational number that is also a constant. Every time I think of Pi, I think of the beauty of all those three properties that Pi has. Somehow, Pi makes me feel like I have some grounding. If I ever get a tattoo (I probably won’t), the Pi symbol will definitely make an appearance in it. The constant part of it let me know that despite everything that happens in my life, there is one thing in my life that will never change – that being, Pi.
And fittingly, today was also the first day in 2 months that I felt like I have better footing. Despite the still-crumbling ground, I wasn’t falling today. Like I said, I was out doing things that I wouldn’t normally do. Thanks to that, I have been feeling much more stable today and I have been lately.
A part of me – the adult, rational part – knew that I would be alright. That right now, I’m going through some unfavorable conditions and despite that, I’ll be ok. I am beginning to understand now that the part of me that’s been whining on this blog and been very suicidal is the teenage part of me. Inspired by Quemada, I’m beginning to see that the many parts of me are all battling for control while the adult, rational part of me is holding everything together. When the adult part is tired of getting kicked on the shin, punched in the gut, and abused repeatedly by the kiddy parts, is when the rage and anger and lashing out happens. That’s when this blog gets peppered with hopeless and despair-filled posts.
I am beginning to see that now. Somehow, that feels like an important realization. Perhaps it’s an important realization because I feel like this gives the adult part an opportunity to forgive herself. To tell herself that she can’t possibly contain the kids (the abused child, the angry teenager, the dissatisfied young adult) and that it’s ok for her to feel tired. I don’t know. I’m just musing out loud at this point.
In any case, definitely something I will bring to S on Wednesday.
For now, I just want to assure the people who care about me that I’m ok. I had two encounters over in the blogosphere tonight that helped me make some important realizations – In the first interaction, I’ve learned that there is at least one person out there who care for me even if I’ve never met them. There is someone whom I can relate to, who knows how I feel and understands. That they also care enough to check in and make sure I was ok. Same person who also made me realize that the part of me that’s always angry is the irrational teenager self. In the second interaction, I learned that I have a yearning for “mommy” but that I need to understand three important things in order to heal: That mommy isn’t coming. That I am loved. That I am safe. Had I gone to bed early tonight, I wouldn’t have had these important interactions (one with Q, the other with someone who had commented on her blog).
Now I need to internalize these truths. I have an amazing husband who is toiling away day and night at the new apartment to set up a surprise for me (he has refused to let me help him clean and paint the new place so he’s working himself to exhaustion) who loves me. he protects me and I am safe with him. Mommy isn’t coming. But that’s ok because that sometimes happens. That doesn’t mean that I can’t go on.