On Wednesday, I had a great session with S. I told him of my epiphany regarding how the anger and rage I often feel comes from the teenager side of me and that the adult side is broken into two – one is the rational, kind, and caring adult while the other is the nagging, critical, and spiteful adult. Often, the latter wins in most situations being that it not only represents “mother” but also is depression-fueled, making it much stronger than the rational, kind, and caring adult. I explained to S that the nice adult is tired because she constantly has to battle not only the teen but also the nagging and critical “mother”. She gets kicked down and beat by them daily.
S told me that he feels like on top of that, I seem to also have the child part as well. The one who is so fearful and constantly needs approval, attention, and protection. The part that I often deny and the part that “mother” always calls “useless”, “weak” and “whiny”. The child is the part that comes out every time I feel needy but the shame of feeling needy causes the “mother” to lash out and tell me that I am weak to need people’s validation and support. S made a good observation and I agreed with him about the fact that I do have the child side too. The one who desperately wants to be nurtured and cared for.
I told S that the angry teen is the one who has been destructive. The one who encourages me to cut, the one who wants to do harmful things and also the one who often comes up with suicidal thoughts. I also told him that I feel like therapy has been chipping away at the walls I’ve been putting up and I feel exhausted by all the things I am battling and all the unfamiliar feelings I’m experiencing. S surmised that therapy hasn’t been chipping away at the wall but rather has been bringing the hidden and unknown in my mind to the known and I’m terrified because I’ve been suppressing these sides of me for so long that I don’t know who they are despite the fact that they’re all me.
Anyway, at the end of the session (we spent almost the whole time talking about this – I would have to write a “Thoughts from Therapy” post when I can get some Internet – we’ve spent the last week moving to a new home and we won’t have WiFi until Monday… I’m actually typing this on my phone and draining mobile data), S said to me, “You’ve done good work, Jules. You’ve worked hard and I’m very encouraged to hear that you are beginning to get to know these hidden parts of you.” I also told him that I feel like I’m beginning to feel better. Like, there is finally a glimmer of light in the darkness that I’ve been in. He seemed quite happy to hear that and I felt warmth in my heart because I always like it when I hear praises from him.
I thought then that this would mean that my week would go well and I would continue to be happy and at peace. The next day, I woke up in a very foul mood. I started feeling the kind of anger and rage that I used to feel daily as a teen… My anger was unprovoked and it made Hubster really negative as well because he absorbed my negativity. I felt bad for being so angry but I couldn’t help it. I couldn’t stop it. The nice adult had stumbled and the teen had taken the chance to take over.
I’ve been angry and grumpy since Thursday. I tried my best to not be so with Hubster today so the two of us were actually fine today. I laughed, made jokes and we were lighthearted with each other. Not so when I got to work because despite the fact that I tried to be cheerful, customers seemed to think that they were entitled to treating me like dirt and to tip me 10% despite above 20% service. I was so angry that I thought that the teen would’ve effectively caused me to harm myself again. I was going to punch the wall so hard that I’d break my fist. I wanted to go to the office and scream. I wanted to cuss.
I also started to realize that someone I thought was a friend might not really turn out to be so. It made me think of all the toxic relationships I’ve ever had and I can’t help but feel like it must be me who is at fault. After all, why would almost every single friend I’ve ever made be such jerks towards me despite the fact that I go out of my way to do things for people I care about. I’ve been used and discarded so many times that I can’t even count them.
I wonder then, since I’m the only common denominator in all these relationships, then it must mean that it’s all my fault. Otherwise, why would it keep happening to me? What did I ever do in my life to deserve such shitty people and shitty treatment? Hubster thinks that it’s because I’m too nice to people so they take me for granted and act like jerks towards me because I never would defend myself. He might have a point there. I avoid conflict and am terrified of confrontations. Something related to shame, for sure…
Anyway, so I thought that I would have a good week but it seems like things are going downhill again despite the slight glimmer of light just a couple of days ago.
I’m now collecting more and more things that S and I are definitely going to have to deal with next Wednesday. I’m so distressed that I’ve been suicidal and negative all over again.
People don’t seem to realize that their words and attitudes affect someone who’s mentally ill in a dangerous way. The way people have treated me tonight and the things that they have said to me pushed me back into the darkness. I thought for sure that I was finally climbing out. I know some people might tell me to just snap out of it, get over it and to just ignore what people say. If only it was that easy. A mentally healthy person might be able to bounce back easily but certainly not someone who’s already been struggling with suicidal thoughts and negative thoughts on a daily basis already… My depression may sound like a cop out for many people and maybe in some ways, it is. Despite that, I can’t help how I feel and how I’m affected by people’s words and actions.
I’m ok now. I won’t do anything dangerous. I just needed to vent and to express how frustrated I am with people I thought were friends but then act completely the opposite.
Oh, tomorrow is my last day at this particular restaurant. I’m feeling a little emotional about it despite the fact that I really hate my job (it’s not the people I work with or the restaurant itself but rather the actual job of a server). I hope I don’t cry tomorrow. I very well could because I’m just nostalgic like that. I hope it won’t be a nightmare of a day either, like today was. I will definitely miss some of the people I work with. I’m moving to another town an hour away so realistically, I don’t think I’ll be seeing these people again – at least not very often.
We’ll how Sunday – Tuesday goes then. A week that I thought was going to be positive turned out to be pretty grim and explosive so far.