Roughest Therapy Session Ever

I’ve just had a very rough therapy session this morning.

It’s been 3 hours since the end of it and I’m still reeling from all that I told S. It isn’t really a huge secret to him as it’s a topic I’ve mentioned before but it’s certainly something that has caused me a tremendous amount of shame for nearly my entire life. It’s been something that I’ve carried for that long and haven’t dealt with.

S and I have had snippets of conversations with this topic but even until now, I still don’t have the guts to confront this topic in its entirety. S said to me near the end of the conversation, “I was wondering when this was going to come back up again because I knew back then that you weren’t ready to really dive in to this yet…”

When I first broached the topic at the start of the session, I kept hesitating. I told him that what he says to me means a lot and I’ve been afraid to tell him of a recent incident that had happened that’s related to this topic because I was fearful that not only will his opinion of me change but that he’ll also either be quick to dismiss my concerns or be too conservative in his views.

When I finally started talking about it though, I got more and more confused the more I talked. I couldn’t stop crying as more memories surfaced. It felt like I was digging at a really old infected wound that has never healed and have now festered. The more I spoke, the more pain I felt. By the end of the session, when S gently said, “How are you feeling right now?”, I could barely speak. “I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel. I know I’m confused… I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel!”

S was comforting in his words, in his mere presence… Now that he’s not here with me, I feel shattered. There’s no one I can turn to talk to about this because of the topic that causes me so much shame so I feel alone. I reached out on Facebook in an ambiguous way and thankfully a couple of people responded with general comments. That helped.

Anyway, right now, I’m unstable. I’ve been destabilized by today’s whirlwind of a session. I needed the whirlwind to move forward, sure, but at the same time right now, since I have 2 more classes to go through for the day, I wish I hadn’t brought it up. I wish I could go home, curl up in bed and cry for the rest of the day.


5 thoughts on “Roughest Therapy Session Ever

  1. I wish I’d seen this earlier (too deep in my proposal writing to get to check blogs). I’m really sorry about this. I know what it’s like to tell something very difficult in therapy, and after you leave the session, feel like you can’t even stand up anymore because of the force of the feelings.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s ok. I knew that you would get to it eventually. I don’t know why but I am always looking forward to your comments now. Maybe it’s the kindred spiritedness…

      I kinda liken what I told S this week to what you told E about the secret – at least in terms of the level of anxiety that it produced for me to speak about it and the subsequent aftermath of it felt like a huge tornado had ravaged my mind and soul.

      After I walked out of his office, I walked outside and stood at the edge of the sidewalk – I didn’t know what to do. I stood there for a while, contemplating how shattered I felt and wondered if I should just walk out to the road then. It was such a surreal moment. Thankfully, I managed to snap out of that when my anxiety told me that I had class in 15 minutes and it was quite a walk away so I better hurry. (I may hate the anxiety but most days, it keeps me on schedule and on task so I think I shouldn’t hate it too much. It gives me a sense of urgency and has been the thing that has stopped me from doing anything drastic…).

      Anyway, I’m still trying to grapple with what we talked about but after the walk-in session, I definitely feel much calmer. S really was trying all sorts of different things to help me see the big picture. Some of them, I wanted to say, “Really, S? That’s your suggestion?” XD but God, I love that man for at least trying.


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