I’ve just had a very rough therapy session this morning.
It’s been 3 hours since the end of it and I’m still reeling from all that I told S. It isn’t really a huge secret to him as it’s a topic I’ve mentioned before but it’s certainly something that has caused me a tremendous amount of shame for nearly my entire life. It’s been something that I’ve carried for that long and haven’t dealt with.
S and I have had snippets of conversations with this topic but even until now, I still don’t have the guts to confront this topic in its entirety. S said to me near the end of the conversation, “I was wondering when this was going to come back up again because I knew back then that you weren’t ready to really dive in to this yet…”
When I first broached the topic at the start of the session, I kept hesitating. I told him that what he says to me means a lot and I’ve been afraid to tell him of a recent incident that had happened that’s related to this topic because I was fearful that not only will his opinion of me change but that he’ll also either be quick to dismiss my concerns or be too conservative in his views.
When I finally started talking about it though, I got more and more confused the more I talked. I couldn’t stop crying as more memories surfaced. It felt like I was digging at a really old infected wound that has never healed and have now festered. The more I spoke, the more pain I felt. By the end of the session, when S gently said, “How are you feeling right now?”, I could barely speak. “I don’t know. I don’t know how I feel. I know I’m confused… I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel!”
S was comforting in his words, in his mere presence… Now that he’s not here with me, I feel shattered. There’s no one I can turn to talk to about this because of the topic that causes me so much shame so I feel alone. I reached out on Facebook in an ambiguous way and thankfully a couple of people responded with general comments. That helped.
Anyway, right now, I’m unstable. I’ve been destabilized by today’s whirlwind of a session. I needed the whirlwind to move forward, sure, but at the same time right now, since I have 2 more classes to go through for the day, I wish I hadn’t brought it up. I wish I could go home, curl up in bed and cry for the rest of the day.