Thankful for CAPS

This week has been such a rough week. I see S tomorrow for our usual weekly therapy and I can’t wait because I’ve been struggling and suffering.

I’ve had such a bad week that after last therapy session, I went in for a walk-in session (I even wrote about this session here: Why My Psychologist Is Amazing), I used the crisis chat site on Sunday in the midst of feeling really alone, I had group therapy today in which I admitted that I had been avoiding talking about anything important during group, and today after group, I asked the psychologist who oversees group if she had some time to talk.

As we sat down to talk, I admitted to her how terribly I’ve been coping this week and how I can’t seem to get back on my feet. I feel particularly weak this week and I don’t know what to do. I repeated what I told S last week, “There’s nothing anyone can do about my situation. Nothing. And I feel so alone handling it all myself…”.

I can’t bear to keep hounding my husband about the issues that he’s heard a million times before; it’s not fair to him. I haven’t gotten responses from people I’ve reached out to. I can’t bear telling the group about all I’m struggling with either; it’s not fair to them. So, I find myself having only the trained psychologists at CAPS to talk to because I know at least there, people take me seriously and they listen.

Maybe I’m expecting too much from people who are not trained to handle someone who’s in deep depressive distress. Maybe I’m not communicating my needs enough to these people – that hey, I really need some support right now. That I can’t handle everything on my own. That I’m really hurting and I’m about to give up. If S were here, he might ask me why I keep turning everything around and blaming myself? Well, my only explanation for people not reaching out to me is because I am not asking clearly enough. Maybe saying, “I’m hurting” is not enough. I don’t know.

I told B, the psychologist who runs my group, all this today. She said to me that my feelings matter and that people do need to acknowledge that. That it seems like what I need is for someone to show that they care. I told her that I know that people do care but it still hurts when I don’t see it. She agreed, “Yes. It does hurt. And it’s frustrating…”. I don’t know why but just hearing someone say that it’s frustrating helps. Even if it’s just lip service, somehow it helps more than when people say to me, “You’ll be fine…”.

I’ve been hearing that way too much lately. “You’ll be fine”. I know that people say that out of their genuine concern but why does it sound so dismissive and hurtful?

Anyway, B said to me, “Yeah. Sometimes all you need to know is that someone does care. That they’ll listen and not dismiss you. I care. S cares. Your group members care too”

That felt good to hear. She then told me that she was glad that I can at least find help at CAPS when I told her that I’ve been so needy this week. She said, “Look, all of us here actually care. We’re not just doing this for a paycheck. There are other ways to get a paycheck. This isn’t one of it. We won’t be here if we don’t care. That’s why we have walk-in hours…”. Still in self doubt, I said, “But I come in all the time…. I come in so much…” to which she gently said, “Jules, many people come here all the time. You’re not the only one… And it’s ok. Therapy works for you, that’s great. You’re able to talk to people here and that’s great!”

B then told me that she’s glad that she could help. When I felt a lot calmer, I thanked her for her time and for being available. CAPS is a lifesaver for me. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have access to the walk in hours or if I didn’t have the kind of help I’m getting right now.

It’s been a difficult week and being able to get professional help is what is keeping me going. And I’m glad that I have that keeping me going at least.

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