Since yesterday’s session with S, I had been thinking about what he said – specifically what he said about letting go; “You don’t need to feel the guilt and shame. You didn’t do anything wrong. You couldn’t have known.” and at one point, I think he even used the words, “Let go of these emotions”.
The first question that came to mind was, “How?” – I should’ve verbalized it and asked him because right now, I’m left wondering what it means to let go of something. How do you not feel something? Does it mean that I stop thinking about it?
I stopped thinking about the jerk who had used/abused me for 10 years but the realization that my trauma from that “relationship” has left me being triggered for all these years prove that not thinking something is not a guarantee that I have let go of something.
To me, the idea of letting go is very abstract and until someone can point out practical things I can do to “let go”, I will not understand this concept. I struggle with abstract concepts and so the times when S have told me to practice mindfulness without giving me clear practical examples, I have not been able to do as he has suggested.
At one point in our session yesterday, he did say to me, “I think the first step you need to take right now is to forgive yourself. Forgive yourself for all the things that have happened and not blame yourself for all of them anymore…”. What he said left me sobbing uncontrollably. Somehow, the idea of forgiving myself is too monumental a task for me – something that I seemingly can’t and won’t do. Is that what it takes to let go of something that has been hurting me for years?
What does it mean to forgive myself? Is it to tell myself that yes stuff happened but that it’s ok? That it wasn’t my fault?
I don’t know. I’ll keep thinking about it but for now, I’m not quite clear what this all means.