Path of Recovery

I was just scrolling through Twitter when I saw this:

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It’s hard for me to tell myself that I’m proud of myself but I think that it’s at least important for me to recognize that I’ve been working really hard on my recovery. 20 days from today will mark an entire year of therapy – that means, an entire year of really hard work, really difficult times and a heck of a lot of realizations, lessons and persistence.

Looking back to the me a year ago – the one who was so afraid of therapy and was somewhat resistant to starting it – I can say that I have changed and that I am no longer the same person I was before. I have come so far from where I used to be and I can’t turn back now. It’s too late to want to turn back around and resume being the old me.

So, the only thing I can do now is to keep going. It seems a monumental task at the moment – everything is overwhelming – but I know that I am going to keep trying. Sure, it’s easy for me to say this right now – on a day that I’m feeling more stable than I did a few days ago, when I’m not desperately suicidal – but I know that I will at least try.

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4 thoughts on “Path of Recovery

  1. You are doing really well, and it’s a great thing to recognize and celebrate your progress. It is a huge step to even start to go to therapy, and think how often you have been able to push yourself forward with in your work with S, talking about something very difficult or asking for something you never would have asked for before. It’s so obvious in your posts (which is not to negate the pain and discouragement that also shows up along the way).

    This statement: “It’s too late to want to turn back around resume being the old me.” This is so powerful. This is our yearning to live more fully, to resist the efforts of the past to hold us back. You are doing it, step by slow and often painful step, and that’s a huge accomplishment.

    Liked by 1 person

    • JL says:

      Thanks Q. It’s always such a comfort to see your comments. You just totally get it and I’m always able to feel just that little bit better reading your thoughts. I think it’s easy to get lost in the negativity and to not see the progress.

      I mean, if someone was just trudging along in a long and gruelling journey, every difficult step can seem like it’s the same as the last. That is, until the person stops to look back at all the steps they’ve taken and how far they’ve come. I think, for me, I need to do these little check ins from time to time – the look back to reflect on what has happened – in order to remind myself that I *am* doing a difference, even if it’s hard to believe it when S tells me so. He did say to me once, “You’re doing really good work, even though you may not see it and I know it’s hard to hear because you don’t feel that you’re going well at all.”

      And what you said, “our yearning to live more fully…” and “step by slow and often painful step” are powerful to me too. Thank you. You totally totally get it and I’m so thankful that I have someone in my life, besides S, who does and whom I can relate to.

      Like

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