I don’t like trigger warnings because it implies that people with mental illnesses are too weak to even read about distressing things but since I don’t know what everyone’s situations or mental state is like, I’ll just say that this post talks about self harm.
So this evening, after a very distressing day, I lost my battle to self harm. I’ve been pretty good about not self harming since the last time I found out that crying instead of cutting helped me better.
I think all rationality went out the window tonight when one last thing I experienced before I reached for the knife broke my logical non-self-harming part of my mind. The “teenager” was quick to tell me that I deserved to be punished and 9 times I ran the knife over my arm.
Of course it burned. Angry red welts appeared on my arm. Despite the stinging, somehow, I felt pleased. There was one thing in my life that I can control right now. I felt things spiral out of control earlier and it almost felt like a necessity to reach for the knife.
Now, I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed for giving in and for letting the teenager take control. I feel angry for not being in better control of my desires. I feel betrayed by the teenager who had promised a truce with me last week. She said that she wouldn’t try to hurt me anymore this week. The truce certainly didn’t last long.