Giving In To Hurt

I don’t like trigger warnings because it implies that people with mental illnesses are too weak to even read about distressing things but since I don’t know what everyone’s situations or mental state is like, I’ll just say that this post talks about self harm.

So this evening, after a very distressing day, I lost my battle to self harm. I’ve been pretty good about not self harming since the last time I found out that crying instead of cutting helped me better.

I think all rationality went out the window tonight when one last thing I experienced before I reached for the knife broke my logical non-self-harming part of my mind. The “teenager” was quick to tell me that I deserved to be punished and 9 times I ran the knife over my arm.

Of course it burned. Angry red welts appeared on my arm. Despite the stinging, somehow, I felt pleased. There was one thing in my life that I can control right now. I felt things spiral out of control earlier and it almost felt like a necessity to reach for the knife.

Now, I feel ashamed. I feel ashamed for giving in and for letting the teenager take control. I feel angry for not being in better control of my desires. I feel betrayed by the teenager who had promised a truce with me last week. She said that she wouldn’t try to hurt me anymore this week. The truce certainly didn’t last long.

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2 thoughts on “Giving In To Hurt

  1. Oh, Jules dear, I’m sorry. It’s not bad what you did (no need to feel guilty). It’s just a reflection of the pain you are feeling, and I’m sorry it’s so bad. Maybe the teen needed to say that one deep session with S is not enough to make up for the neglect and hurt she’s been experiencing. Maybe she needed to show that things aren’t all fine now (which would be risky for her–she might have to stop seeing S if she were fine). Maybe she was mad at you. Whatever it was, I feel compassion for her hurt and anger but also compassion for you when she lashes out. You are such a gentle, sweet, (somewhat nerdy) woman. You don’t deserve to be hurt. I’m sending you hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Q. I feel comforted to know that someone understands. I try to share this with others but they don’t get it. Especially not the dissociation with the self. You’ve pointed out some interesting thoughts. Definitely something S and I have to talk about tomorrow. I think you’re right. I think after that one session, I thought we’re past this but I think maybe the teen felt like I was ignoring her again and that I deserved to be punished for that. There’s at least 25 years of hurt and pain that needs to be processed and I think I forgot the severity of some of the things I’ve been through.

      And thank you for your distance that I need not feel guilty. I certainly do feel that way because I feel like I should be adult enough to stop hurting myself physically. It’s hard to get over the fact that it’s a reflection of the emotional pain.

      And thank you for your kind words. I’ve been craving connection and I feel like you and I have connected in a way that’s hard to find because we relate on so many levels. I’m definitely the nerdy need though. Hahaha… Thank you for the hugs. Much appreciated! Sending you back some for healing and recovery!

      Liked by 1 person

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