So, I decided to take this selfie after I took a much needed hot shower after a grueling 16-hour shift at the new restaurant I work at.
I started at 10am and finally finished at 2am. I had no break in between and took bites of food whenever I could. We were really busy as the restaurant is not only new but is also one of the “hippest” places to be in town right now. We’re one of the highest ranked restaurant on Yelp at this time and had just opened the patio as well. On top of that, we also close at 3am on weekends and midnight on weekdays.
The 16 hours, though grueling, went by pretty quickly because I was constantly moving. It was physically demanding as well because the kitchen was in the basement and carrying heavy trays of food up a flight of stairs with 18 narrow treads can be quite tiring. My phone logged that I had taken approximately 22000 steps for a total of 11 miles today.
I looked at myself in the mirror after my shower and realized how worn out I look. Besides being tired after a 16-hour shift, I also realized that I’m just weary from life itself. Working through 10 hours yesterday after having one of the roughest therapy sessions I’ve ever had was very difficult and somehow, I managed to force myself through the 10 hours. In two days alone, I’ve worked 26 hours – and I’m supposed to be a part-timer.
I haven’t had a chance to write a post about therapy yet and I haven’t had a chance to work on any of my assignments. I constantly feel like I’m out of time. That’s why when S suggested to me yesterday that I should take some time off to do something I enjoy, I told him that I can’t.
He seemed surprised at my adamant and decisive answer. “You can’t?”
“No, S. I just can’t…. I’m out of time. I have tutoring sessions, assignments, work at the Math Assistance Center, my restaurant job… I just can’t…” I had replied. This was just one of the smaller reasons why I’ve just been so suicidal lately. I couldn’t see the point of going through this ceaseless grind… It is joyless and pointless in my mind.
Looking at my picture, I realize how tired I look. And it was something I’ve not really thought about before. My eyes look sunken and I have such heavy eye bags – probably the result of spending lots of time lately just crying.
I’m exhausted and I still have two more shifts to go at the restaurant. It’s only my 5th day there and I already am contemplating quitting. Serving tables is an awful job. It is soul sucking and I can’t wait to get out of this industry. At the end of 2013, my serving job was a huge trigger for my suicidal thoughts. And nowadays, it is one of the recurring causes for my current suicidality as well…
Anyway, hopefully I’ll be able to get to the post-therapy post that I’ve been meaning to write. And hopefully finish my homework and assignment soon!