Couldn’t Be Cheered

I had a great therapy session today but the rest of the day sucked and now I’m deep in the pits. I know I should be doing my assignments but I don’t want to.

I’m pretty sure I failed my Calculus final class exam. I didn’t even attempt two of the questions.

I feel like a failure. Hubster tried to cheer me up but I felt bad that I couldn’t be cheered up.

I just want to hurt myself. I know I shouldn’t but I really want to feel something other than this deep pain in my chest and this hopelessness.

 

Oh also, on a different note, two different people told me today that I can’t possibly be depressed because I just look so lively and so happy. *sigh* I’m not upset with them for thinking that because I do present as happy and jovial in my demeanor. I just don’t like showing my depressed side.

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6 thoughts on “Couldn’t Be Cheered

  1. mentalbreakinprogress says:

    Hey Jules! (((hugs))) the last thing I am going to do is tell you to cheer up…that’s first…second I have recently started to claw my way out the depression hole and I have been learning lately that you just have to take things one day at a time…even an hour at a time if need be…it’s exhausting to say the least. That being said as your friend (blog buddy but I prefer friend and please don’t take me as too cheesey for saying this but) try to tell yourself the positives…I know I was in need of that and so I wrote a letter to myself lol. It was weird at first but it actually helped a little to read back all the good things I was saying about myself. Blogging has helped me get out of some dark times…it can feel to me like getting trapped in some dark cloud when just outside it’s rainbows and butterflies…I have had to do a lot of “self talk” lately…in some cases prayer…it’s the first time in awhile I have really started to do that again…I don’t practice religion but it can help to “pray” if that makes sense. Oh and to the two people who told you that…part of me wants to curse but the other part of me cannot expect them to understand…and I can so relate…people that meet me think “Gee, she’s friendly and polite and somewhat unassuming” lol and I am good at putting on that mask every day so that I can actually get through the day sometimes. Sending lots of rainbows and butterflies your way and I will keep you in my prayers 🙂 ❤

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    • JL says:

      Thanks so much Cavelle! It’s great to hear from you! And the way you describe it is so spot on – “claw my way out” – I feel like I’m constantly doing that too.

      You’re definitely not just a blog buddy. You’re my friend! Thanks for responding! And thanks for the tips! I need to practice better coping skills, and I think writing helps tremendously. I’ve definitely stopped praying so I should go back to that too…

      Well, with those two people, they weren’t being mean when they said it though and it’s like you said, it’s hard for people to understand someone who conceals their depression. For me, I do it because it’s easier than trying to explain why I look down. It also means that I don’t have to deal with more questions, pity or more stigmatizing language…

      Anyway, I hope things are going well with you. I’m going to try and take this one hour at a time. Thanks so much! ❤

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  2. I hide my depression, too. Even my husband who lives with me every day didn’t see it until I finally starting opening up and telling him. I don’t like telling people I am depressed, although in the past six months I have tried to talk about it, in a very general way, with a few more people. I think it’s my effort to reduce the stigma associated with depression and other mental illnesses.

    Liked by 2 people

      • Right! That too. Some people dismiss it and don’t understand how painful it is, but others get really alarmed, and I don’t want to worry them. I think that is why I hid so much from my husband.

        Liked by 1 person

      • JL says:

        YES!! You definitely said it right! I don’t want people to think that they always have to watch over me but at the same time, I also secretly want people to ask me if I’m ok every day. It’s weird. I’m a walking contradiction… I’m glad I can relate to you on this too!

        Liked by 1 person

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