One Year of Psychotherapy

So today marks one year of therapy.

It’s been a long and arduous journey – through it all, S had been there to support me unconditionally. He was there to push me when I slacked, to call me out when I deserved to be called out, to encourage me when I was discouraged, to assure me that he’s on my side always, to help me reclaim parts of me that I’ve ignored, and to just be the best support system I could ever wish for.

When I had stepped into his office one year ago this date, I was extremely blessed because S and I hit it off immediately. It took us no time at all to dive in to the issues that brought me to therapy in the first place. I immediately felt a connection to him.

As we continued with therapy, we started to relate on different levels – notably, on a geeky level where we both would sometimes have nerd-talk and use nerd-talk to help me process my past. One of the most memorable moments of this was when S told me that I am like Luke who walked into the cave in Dagobah and came face-to-face with the fact that he has a Dark Side too when he saw his own face under Darth Vader’s mask. That moment has stayed with me since the first time he’s ever mentioned it and has made a huge impact on me.

When I first started therapy, I didn’t think that sitting around and talking for an hour a week would do any good. I was very skeptical. After a few sessions, I started to see a difference. And pretty soon, I was hooked. I started to put my trust on S, and started to learn to work with him.

We’ve both worked really hard – probably more so I than he since I am always the one who has to feel the entirety of all my emotions and feelings though I can’t imagine it being easy to watch someone you care for go through pain. He has many times expressed how much he cared for me. And knowing that, feels good. I used to be so ashamed of even feeling that way but I am now better at admitting these intense feelings for him because not only is it vital to the therapy, it is also vital to the therapeutic relationship that we have.

Anyway, to celebrate my one year’s journey, I decided to make a HUGE change. Lately, I have been having an intense desire to change my hairstyle and the idea of having a faux hawk had been persisting in my mind for at least a week now. Ever since I saw Scarlett Johannson with her faux hawk a year or so ago, I had wanted one.

So I made an appointment to the hair stylist and with a mixture of excitement and trepidation, I went to get a haircut. When I was there, my hair stylist asked me what I wanted to do. I explained to her that it was my one-year anniversary for going to therapy and I felt compelled to make a change – to start afresh, so to speak. I explained my liking for faux hawks and how I wanted to also color my hair. I told her how I felt very attracted to the idea of undercuts as well.

With all that I explained to her, my hair stylist started getting excited.

“You’re sure about this?” She asked me as we sifted through some photos of faux hawks.

“Let’s do it!” I said, “If I don’t do this now, I might never do it!”

She cut the first lock of my hair and about 8-9 inches of hair fell to the ground. As she cut my hair, I practiced a mindfulness exercise that I had thought of myself. As she cut all of my long hair off, I imagined all of the burdens and pain that I’ve been experiencing falling off with the hair. As the hair got shorter and shorter, I felt myself feel lighter and lighter.

When she was done with the rough cut, I had a pixie cut. Interestingly, I wasn’t as nervous or afraid as I thought I would be. I was ready to do this – it felt like I was ready for this change. I think after what S and I discussed yesterday (how I don’t want to be better), I think maybe, just maybe, I am finally ready to accept that change is absolutely vital and that I need to either embrace it and welcome it so as to have the best time possible or I can fight and scream and yell all I want while the change will still happen.

As the hair styling process continued, I couldn’t help but smile through it all. I couldn’t stop smiling. Especially when the stylist informed me of how jealous all the other stylists were that she got to do this fun and awesome styling today. She told me how happy she is for me that I’m doing something so bold.

“I’ve always been very conservative so I think I want to step out of that. I want to try something new. I want to do something crazy. Something fun!”

When she was done, all the women in the salon stared and the stylists near me told me how amazing I looked. My own stylist was surprised at how well the colors turned out and how well the cut looked on me. I could’ve wept and I think for a short moment, I did tear up a little.

I looked completely different. And for once this year, I felt really happy, stable and even at peace. It felt right. Somehow, it just did. For once in 4 months, I didn’t have any violent, self-sabotaging thoughts.

When I got to work, everyone flipped out – in a good way. Everyone loved my haircut and they told me just how great I looked. It felt great to be at the center of attention and getting compliments on how I looked. I’ve never really experienced that before – not in the scale that I did today. It felt really good. I felt really good.

I started to stand straighter and felt more confident. I started to smile more. I felt energetic for once and I actually felt attractive. I was amazed at all of this – I still am. I can’t stop looking at myself and I can’t stop touching my hair. I feel great and I hope that this feeling continues because I think I need this.

Here are photos of how I look now:

I have a faux hawk that is a peacock color – blue with green tinge. When I went to work, I actually put on eyeliner too.

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2 thoughts on “One Year of Psychotherapy

  1. WOW! What a change! You look great–well, you were always beautiful, but here you look so modern and more confident.

    Things will still go up and down in the future. It’s never a smooth straight path. But I hope you will come back and reread this post periodically and remind yourself of the hope that shines through it. It’s just lovely to see!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aww… Thanks so much, Q! You always make me feel great and I really appreciate that. I think it’s interesting how I’ve been feeling more confident since the haircut. It’s strange how one small change can do that…

      You’re right. It’ll definitely be up and down. It’s been down for far too long though. Somehow, I feel like maybe this is the point it’ll start to pick back up. I mean, I am still feeling pretty down but the suicidal thoughts and all that tapered down a little after I got the haircut. I think sometimes, maybe a little change is what we need. Everyone I’ve met so far loves the haircut on me and think that it suits me – I guess there’s just something spunky about it that fits my personality? I don’t know…

      Liked by 1 person

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