My disappointing grades this semester. Yes, a lot of you are going to look at this and say that I’m crazy for thinking that this is disappointing. Hey, I can’t help how I feel about it. I know I could’ve done better. I know I could’ve gotten a 4.0. Now my Cumulative GPA has dropped to 3.839. I know it’s not the end of the world. I know it’ll go back up as I progress through the rest of my program. But like I said, I can’t help how I feel.
That said, at the same time, if I were to tell you the dozen things that I was struggling through while I was going through this semester (including reliving some past traumas, struggling to work 50-60 hours a week while going to school, struggling with my sexuality and my identity, and several other major things I am not comfortable talking about yet), I’m sure you’d say that you’re amazed that I even managed to finish the semester, let alone get this kind of a grade.
It also reminded me of what B (the psychologist who had facilitated the group therapy that I had been a part of for a better part of this semester) had told me. “Isn’t it more important at the end of this semester to see that you’re still here and managed to keep yourself alive than whatever grades you’re going to get?” Well, I’m still here, still breathing when more than a hundred times throughout this semester, I’ve been battling my own suicidal ideations. I think that counts for something too.
S tells me that I’m very resilient and that resilience has shone through while a fellow blogger, Q, has noted that I had higher than average coping skills – all of which have dragged me through these months. I’ve emerged battered and bruised; I’m still here. I know it counts for something in many people’s eyes. I guess, I just need to believe that myself. It’s such a struggle because right now, I don’t. A friend of mine, SH, told me that it’s great that people can help me through but I need to want it myself. I need to want to live. I need to fight for that myself because really, I can’t rely on anyone else to keep me alive. I know he’s right. But it’s also hard when I really don’t want it. S was concerned when I told him that I didn’t want to live.
At the end of the day, I’m my own worst critic and worst enemy.
Maybe I need to just list out some achievements and hopefully it’ll help me refocus and at least get through today.
Accomplishments this semester:
- Finished the semester and remained alive. Sure, I’ve added more scars to my left arm from all the self-harm but I didn’t go through with my plans to kill myself.
- Got an A for Computing which was a class that I thought I’d never be able to get through.
- Got a B- for Calculus – which according to S is “far from failure”; of course he’s right. I thought I was going to fail this, but I didn’t. And despite not studying as hard as I should have, I still managed to escape a C.
- Got an A+ for History of Interiors and Furniture, a class that I didn’t think I was going to enjoy when I first signed up for it but ended up really loving.
- Got an A- for Space Planning, a class that was extremely difficult for a 100-level class. I survived it.
- Helped tutor 4 different students in math. I don’t know how they did but I hope they did well.
- Worked 40-60 hours a week while going to school and haven’t had a nervous breakdown from it yet.
- Participated fully in the Peer Educator program’s Health and Wellness Leadership Academy. I expect to be promoted to Peer Educator in the Fall of 2016.
- Got myself a haircut that reminded me a little of who I really am. C, the other psychologist that facilitated my group therapy, told me, “It’s not just hair” and I’ll never forget that.
- Worked at the Math Assistance Center (MAC) and made new friends – I also learned so much from these individuals because they are not only as nerdy as I am but also so diverse in interests and skills.
- Self-cared by utilizing all the services that the Counseling and Psychological Services (CAPS) provided including individual psychotherapy, crisis-intervention walk-in sessions, and the Understanding-Self-And-Others group therapy.
- Made several HUGE breakthroughs during therapy with S this semesters – all of which really sucked because of how much it hurts to relive the traumas, how painful it is to admit some things that I’ve worked hard to brush off, and how hard it is to recover repressed memories.
- Finally admitted that I struggle with same sex attraction desires. I still have a long way to go to work on this but this is the first step, right?
- Some things didn’t work out but it’s really no one’s fault so being able to write that down is in itself an achievement.
- I bought a car. Sure, it’s more debt to my already huge debt but at least now I can take myself places and not burden Hubster with having him drive me around all the time.
- Was nominated for a Women’s Leadership Award for school. I didn’t win but getting to submit my resume for a chance to win was something!
- Sat down with a suicidal friend and helped comfort her – this in turn helped me comfort myself. She’s fine now and things got much better for her. Perhaps the same will be for me too.
- Kept up with my ADHD medication and the medication has finally stabilized in my system to actually help me instead of hindering me when I first started taking it. I’m MUCH better at paying attention and functioning like an adult now.
- Sat myself down and forced myself to write this list – which made me think of all the good things that have happened this semester. Sure the list of bad things is longer but this is still something! I did ALL these things and probably even more that I can’t remember. I actually feel a lot better than when I first started writing this post. Wow.