Looks Are Deceiving

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It’s raining outside, I got sent home from work and despite being soaked by the rain because I had to clear up the patio, I think this photo turned out really well.

My problem is just how well I look. How I am able to look presentable, clean and even really nice smelling every day despite the turmoil in my head. I can still laugh, smile, crack jokes and act normal. I can take good selfies and I’m usually very capable of pretending or acting fine.

I think thanks to that, people often don’t take my issues seriously – especially not the people who often see me being so jovial, positive and care free. Yet, when I do reach out with, I feel ashamed and embarrassed because of the positive impression that people have formed of me; so to ask for help sometimes feel like a weakness.

Then due to this flawed reasoning I have, I turn my anger and pain inwards instead which results in me doing ridiculous things like cutting myself and keeping myself in constant pain.

I’m trying to be more mindful but it doesn’t always work. I think I’m just very stubborn so it’s very difficult for me to self soothe because I already have trouble believing others, what more myself. I’d like to think that I’ve been much better since last year though – since before I started therapy. But I know I still have a long way to go before I can fully believe that I’m good, that I’m worthy and that I don’t always need to punish myself.

Anyway, I’m feeling much more stable today. Standing out here in the patio, listening to Southern rock and blues while watching the rain come down is actually quite soothing. If my stomach cramps would let up, it would be an even better time.

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