Today’s session with S had been emotionally and physically exhausting. It wasn’t his fault of course. Rather, it was all of the things that I talked to him about; all the things I made myself feel all at once today. I was overwhelmed this past week and I had numbed myself through it all until I opened up and talked about it today. (I’ll have to write about the session more later when I have more time. Writing a serious blog post 20 minutes before I leave for work isn’t ideal.)
This is just a quick one to say that I avoid the news, especially those that are tragic, because I can’t handle the trauma it triggers in me and I feel so deeply for people that it affects my mental health. It may seem like I’m apathetic or maybe even like an ostrich, just burying my head in the sand but if I don’t, I think I’d probably be in tears constantly.
This past weekend was extremely difficult for me which was why when S asked me if I needed to see him one more time today, I had said that I would like to (after some hesitation). I had told him that last week had been good and bad. When I saw him today, he said to me as we sat down, “So today, we talk about the bad, huh?”
Well, the shooting in Orlando at the gay club, Pulse, has profoundly affected me because I identified to both the shooter as well as the victims. Before anyone thinks that I feel bad for the shooter, please understand that there’s a difference between relating to what he was feeling and thinking that he didn’t do anything wrong. He got what he deserved – I only wished that he was alive to explain his actions and then to be punished duly.
Anyway, I identified with the struggle he had with his identity as a gay person, his denial of that side of him, as well as his struggle with the faith that he grew up with – trying to reconcile that part of him with his faith. It’s a huge struggle. I’ve struggled with it for all my life and its only been this past year that I’m even entertaining the idea of processing it. I’ve even wrote about this at a longer length in another post: A Struggle Of Identity.
So, I speculate that his anger towards seeing the gay men kissing and his resulting shooting was his attempt to absolve himself of his “sin”. Purely speculation on my part of course but I thought about how angry I am sometimes with openly LGBT people because I, myself, struggle so deeply with being able to reconcile who I am with what I feel like God wants for me. That whenever I see openly gay people who are so confident in themselves, I feel envious which triggers the anger. I’m not really angry at them. I’m angry at myself because I am unable to cope with my own feelings of unworthiness and the pain of feeling rejected by God.
Aside from that, the news and social media has also been constantly been reporting on the Stanford rape case. Though I have never personally been raped, it still hit me close because of my own childhood traumas as well as the molestation that I had suffered. So this has been an awful week as a result.
I can’t stop feeling so deeply for people and though it’s a great thing to be able to empathize, at the moment, I feel like it’s a weakness because it constantly breaks me.