S and I didn’t really talk about anything that was triggering today (more on that later) but at the end of the session, S asked me if I’d like to just see him next Wednesday or if I needed to see him again this week. I told him that I hadn’t talked about anything bad this week because we ran out of time (on my drive home, I realized that I was avoiding something – what it is exactly is still not clear to me yet at the moment), so I would appreciate it if we could meet again for the second time this week.
Then as I usually do, I quickly retracted that statement and said, “Well, if you have time. I mean, if not, I can just wait until next Wednesday. I’ll just try not to think about it. I’ll be fine”. He told me that we could meet tomorrow at 10am if I wanted to. I wanted to but I didn’t want to say it – I forced myself to tell him that I wanted to come in again tomorrow. So I’ll be back for another session tomorrow – I just hope I don’t squander my time the way I did today.
After I left, I felt okay. I had actually invested in a new skateboard last Thursday on an impulse after I left CAPS from a walk-in session with S. I didn’t write about that session because it was just too painful – I sobbed so hard that I could barely contain myself. After that session, I went to a local skate shop and on an impulse, bought my new board.
Here it is brand new:
Of course, I’ve been skating since then so the board’s pretty banged up now and covered in stickers. I told S that I felt in touch with my teen side because as a teen I used to skate until my mother forbade my brother and I from doing any more extreme sports after my brother cracked his wrist.
Anyway, after I left the session today, I skated for a little bit before meeting my coworker for lunch. I had a great time skating and I had a great time talking to my coworker. We really connected on many levels and talking to him makes me feel appreciated and heard. So that contributed to my stability.
(Oh by the way, S was very pleased to see my skateboard today – he said something along the lines of “I know I have been getting on you to connect with one of your passions for a while now. So I’m very excited that you finally are able to do that!” I had giggled at that because I know that I can be very stubborn when someone tells me that I need to do something. I drag my feet and eventually do it.)
So I was stable for a little while – that is, until I went to the Math Assistance Center (MAC) to take my Tutor Evaluation. There were 10 questions and I could barely do any of them. I started to think that I wasn’t cut out to be a Tutor at the MAC anymore. I barely remember the mathematical concepts that gave me the confidence to do Calculus. I also started feeling anxious about my Fall semester because I know that I will be having a very hard time since one of the classes is a weed-out class, another is a difficult class that isn’t presented well (upper classmen have told me about this class and how terribly delivered it is), I’ll be repeating Calculus because of how unhappy I was with my grade, as well as doing another class in server side web programming. For the first time in 2 semester, I’ll have to be in school from Monday to Friday and to add to that stress, I will still have to go to work while also serving as a Tutor at the MAC (if I pass the eval – today was my second time taking it).
On the drive home, I felt hopeless, lost, alone, anxious, defeated, and empty. I was sad too. I didn’t really know where the sadness came from or why I was feeling all these feelings. I got home and these feelings followed me. I then saw a quiz that caught my eye on my Facebook feed and decided to take it. The result I got was very interesting because I felt that it was very accurate and apt. The timing was impeccable.
Although many of these quizzes claim to be “accurate”, I usually take them with a grain of salt. That said, I felt that this was very fitting for me and how I feel right now. I am feeling apathetic. I do feel like I’m stuck in a rut and that I don’t know how to get out (or even want to get out). I do have a dim outlook in life and I’m unhappy. I definitely feel undervalued, especially at work when I work harder than most people and pick up the slack for those who are not pulling their weight. I feel tired and stretched out, and I really relate to Bilbo Baggins when he said that he felt like butter spread on too many bread.
Anyway, I’m glad now that I had asked S for the second session. I’m thinking that I’m going to really need it.