It just occured to me that I’ve been in my depressive episode for 6 months now. This is definitely the longest I’ve been depressed since the last depressive episode only lasted about 3 months.
Wow. No wonder I’m constantly tired.
On a better note, today’s group session went really well. We talked about conflict and how to handle it, how group is not for us to come in and pretend to be someone we’re not for the benefit of others but rather a place for us to be ourselves without apology and just seeing the reactions of people, and also how a couple of us (I’m one of them) have instinctive protective tendencies towards other group members.
I got feedback from the other members about how they have noticed my protective tendencies and how quickly I jump in to say something to be supportive and positive. I really can’t help it. I don’t even know that I’m doing it until I’ve done it! And I expressed that to the group which they accepted. It felt good. It also felt good knowing that others felt good when I expressed that I have been looking out for them.
J, the lead facilitator, pointed out that I’m always just deferring to what others are experiencing and how they’re feeling towards me but how am I feeling about it? What about my experiences?
I told her that doing what I do makes me feel good. It gives me a sense of purpose because a lot of times, I don’t feel like I have a purpose. Then after I said that, I also confessed that sometimes I wish that people would also do that for me without me having to ask. It felt good to hear the other person who had been taking up the protector role also confess the same feeling of wanting to be protected.
Then when group wrapped up and we had left, I waited for the elevator. The private door that the CAPS staff uses opened and S walked out. I said hi to him and it felt good to see him one last time before this week ended. I know I sound like I’m obsessed with him but just seeing him makes me feel more stable and calm. I wished him a Happy Father’s Day and he told me that he appreciated it.
It just felt great being able to end my session at CAPS today with a good note like that. It makes me having to go to work in half an hour not feel as bothersome as it usually makes me feel.