Tomorrow when S asks me, “How are you?”, as he usually does, I’m going to say, “Miserable” because it has been a miserable week for me since my last session with him.
On Friday, I went to group and our conversation centered around family and parents – the whole session was triggering and I wanted to curl up in a ball and just cry the whole time. To hear of my group members’ experience with their own parents who were abusive towards them or who didn’t care for them the way they should’ve been cared for, broke my heart. It reminded me of my own childhood – the desperation that I had for some attention, some physical affection, and some verbal affirmation and not just constant nagging. It was a painful session.
My rage is back and this time, it’s accompanied by bitterness. I feel bitter for the way my life has turned out and I can’t help but feel stuck. I feel bitter that regardless of where I go or what I do, I can never feel safe, comfortable, or accepted. I didn’t feel comfortable as a Chinese person in Malaysia because I was too Western-thinking but I can’t feel comfortable here in America either because I’m not Western-enough and I often get the impression that people stare at me because I’m Asian (even if that’s not true, it’s hard not to feel that way when I often get stared at by the guests that I serve). Recently, I’ve coming to terms with my bisexuality and have been going to the gay club just to see if I could find new friends – I wanted to see if I could fit in. I couldn’t – not really. I found out that a lot of the gay women aren’t very open to dating bisexuals and that bisexuals have their own issues within the community that they have to deal with – apparently a similar discrimination is felt by the transgendered as well. How ironic. So I feel like there’s something wrong with me (S tells me that there is nothing wrong with me at all but it’s very hard to believe that when I see evidence that seems to negate that). I don’t belong anywhere. I’m tired of trying to belong.
I am also tired of being the one who has to initiate all kinds of social gatherings or even just conversations. When I don’t contact anyone throughout the week, no one messages me. Sometimes I run an experiment of sorts and I don’t message anyone just to see if I get any messages. I never do. I can’t help but feel so lonely. I know people have their own lives to live, their own demons to slay… I totally get that, but at the same time, I can’t help but wish that I could have more social interaction that I didn’t have to initiate.
I spent half an hour in the shower today just bawling my eyes out. I couldn’t stop crying – all the burden and pain that I’ve experienced this week had all balled up inside of me and I was finally able to release it. I now feel spent and numb. I contemplated suicide again – this time though, aside from the usual “I want to cut my wrists” method, my mind thought of another method. This time, I wanted to use alcohol to poison myself. I read that many college students have died from alcohol poisoning – it certainly doesn’t sound as painful as cutting would be. It’s also certainly something that I have access to. I want to say goodbye to this life – to the pain, the struggles, the lack of friends, the financial difficulties, the overwhelming feelings and emotions… I’m tired of it all.
I don’t think I’ll actually do anything – I’m too afraid of that I won’t die but instead be maimed and then have to suffer even more. Sigh.