Profound Loneliness 

I got off work earlier than I expected tonight so at the urging of some friends, I decided to check out the gay clubs I work near. 

Well, I’m there now but I’m on my phone because I don’t feel like I belong at all. In fact, I feel even more alone now amidst this crowd of warm bodies than I did earlier when I was by myself. 

The urge to drink is strong because everyone here is hammered. I found my drunk coworker here so because of his state, I have to keep an eye on him (he’s often the one who keeps an eye on everyone else. I have so much affection for him that I can’t let him get into trouble). He keeps pushing shots and drinks into my hand but I kept refusing because I have not only promised S that I won’t drink but also SH (my human/person). 

So I can’t drink. 

But I want to. 

The longer I sit here in this loneliness, the more likely it is that I’ll do it. 

I need to leave. 

But I can’t leave C here all by himself, drunk and confused. 

I don’t want to go home either because whenever I’m home, I’m prone to bouts of random and prolonged crying. 

Update: 

I’m home now after spending the entire half an hour drive home crying my eyes out at every single thought and memory of some good times I’ve had but will probably no longer experience again. 

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