I can’t stop crying.
Every time I think about this one significant person in my life, I bawl.
I cried for hours yesterday and cried even as I drove to and from work.
There are so many regrets in my heart. So much pain.
I can’t bear this burden by myself but I have to. It isn’t fair to share it with anyone else.
I hope I’ll be fine in time. People say that time heals all wounds – it’s a lie. Time just heals over the wound and numbs the pain but the wound is still there. It’s always going to be there.
I contemplated checking in to the Emergency Room last night as I drove home. It’s hard to remain rational and calm when you’re hit with so much pressure, pain, realizations and regrets. I wanted to get wasted after work – after all, it was the 4th of July, which meant that consuming large quantities of alcohol would’ve been a socially accepted norm.
I wanted to get wasted with the intention of poisoning myself, hence why I contemplated the ER. I would rather leave this world and escape this existence than continue to push through this pain. It’s been 6 months since I slipped back into another depressive episode. I’m worn out. I’m also tired of hearing that I’ll get better – that things will improve.
It’s hard to believe and it’s painful to hear. Perhaps everyone else is right but consider my current pain. How do I get through that?