Pain of Regrets

I can’t stop crying.

Every time I think about this one significant person in my life, I bawl.

I cried for hours yesterday and cried even as I drove to and from work.

There are so many regrets in my heart. So much pain.

I can’t bear this burden by myself but I have to. It isn’t fair to share it with anyone else.

I hope I’ll be fine in time. People say that time heals all wounds – it’s a lie. Time just heals over the wound and numbs the pain but the wound is still there. It’s always going to be there.

I contemplated checking in to the Emergency Room last night as I drove home. It’s hard to remain rational and calm when you’re hit with so much pressure, pain, realizations and regrets. I wanted to get wasted after work – after all, it was the 4th of July, which meant that consuming large quantities of alcohol would’ve been a socially accepted norm.

I wanted to get wasted with the intention of poisoning myself, hence why I contemplated the ER. I would rather leave this world and escape this existence than continue to push through this pain. It’s been 6 months since I slipped back into another depressive episode. I’m worn out. I’m also tired of hearing that I’ll get better – that things will improve.

It’s hard to believe and it’s painful to hear. Perhaps everyone else is right but consider my current pain. How do I get through that?

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5 thoughts on “Pain of Regrets

  1. Oh Jules, I’m so sorry. The pain can be so enormous sometimes. I know it seems like it will never subside, and you can’t imagine an end to it. And that is another horrible feeling on top of the pain.

    But it will get better. It will. What you need right now is comfort and soothing and a safe way to survive the pain. The ER is an option, if you need that. S is an option as well. And maybe one of your friends? Is there someone you can trust? There probably is, but you may not see it, may not feel ready to trust like that, and that’s okay. You can always write here, of course. But I know it might be hard if you don’t get a response right away. How often does your group meet? I want to think of ways to surround you with love and support… S can probably help you better than I can because he knows more about your life.

    The main idea is simply to find ways to keep you safe and offer you as much soothing as possible so you can bear the pain. There are better days ahead, whether you can imagine that or not, and I just want you to get there safely.

    Sending warm hugs, Q.

    Liked by 1 person

    • JL says:

      Q, the pain *is* enormous. It’s unbearable. I can’t cope. I can’t breathe. I don’t even know where to begin. I could barely speak today in my session with S. I cried so hard I was shaking and that was me restraining myself so that I don’t lose it. S asked me why I want to kill myself and I said that it’s because I can’t handle anymore pain. I said that I want it all to stop. I said that I don’t believe that I’ll ever get better, that things will be better. It hurts too much to believe that. He asked me how sure I am that things won’t get better. I said I was pretty sure. We talked for an hour and 15 minutes today as he tried to soothe me. I don’t know how he does it, but I always feel much calmer after I see him.

      Of course, as soon as I leave, the emotions surges back and I’m left crippled again. I see him again tomorrow but I promised him I’ll try to stay ok. I told him that right now, the promise I make him is the only thing keeping me from doing anything drastic. I told him that’s all I have and he told me that for now, that’s enough. I told him that I can’t see the point of going on and that the only thing that gets me through my day every day is that I know that at the end of the day, I’m one day closer to Wednesday where I’ll see him. He told me that I’ve made it to today. He asked me if I could do the same until tomorrow when I see him again and I said I will.

      I’m with my inlaws now. Pretending to be ok. Pretending to still be married. I hurt so much inside and no one knows it because I’m so good at pretending. I can’t even look at J because it hurts to talk to him.

      My group meets every Friday. I haven’t been telling them what I’m struggling with because everyone else always have something to say that’s not related so I’ve just been taking on the supportive role.

      I just wrote a long message to my coworkers to tell them all the things I’ve been struggling with for the past 6 months and that I’m suicidal. My coworkers don’t know me all that well but despite that, they make me feel loved. So I decided to take a chance, risk it all and tell them everything. Maybe no one will talk to me anymore after this. Maybe someone will. I don’t know. I can’t hold it in any longer. I’m being eaten alive from the inside.

      Your compassion, your words and you wisdom really help me, Q. I think about you often and I think about how every time I write something, you read it and respond. You’re such an amazing friend and I’m so fortunate to have you. I’ll try my best for now. Taking one minute at a time.

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      • Okay, it’s good you are reaching out. Good you are seeing S tomorrow and making promises to him that you can keep.

        With your co-workers, my bet will be that someone will respond warmly and helpfully. From my own experience, some people will care a lot but have no idea how to respond. They might be worried but say nothing or say something unhelpful (like “pray” or “just think about positive things” or “what do you have to be depressed about; think about Syrian refugees”). I say this from experience. I hope no one will say that to you, but in case they do, just know it comes from people’s awkwardness, ignorance and/or inexperience.

        I recently reached out to a colleague at work whom I consider a friend. This was when the camping memory just resurfaced for me and I was so shaken up. She texted me, “That’s awful! I feeling like crying. I don’t know what to say.” End of story. She hasn’t mentioned it again. I’m disappointed because I felt she was a “I can talk about whatever” kind of person, but clearly this is something she can’t talk about. I’m able to see that’s about her ability, not my worthiness of support. I just want to make sure you know that too.

        I’m happy to respond to you and very glad it’s helpful. You are such a smart, resourceful person. You’ve made it through so much, coping with all kinds of crap without help, going to school and working and pushing so hard. Now you need help, and YOU DESERVE IT. I can’t bear the thought of your hopelessness when I see so much potential in you. If I can help at all to get you through the hardest times, I feel grateful for that.

        What do you do for exercise, and does that bring you even momentary relief?

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      • JL says:

        I’ve been trying to reach out. I did send you an email. I’m not sure if you saw it or not. I also reached out to the friend who had taken on the role of “human” aka the person I can whine to with non judgments. But he’s dealing with his own demons right now too and so hasn’t been able to help me as much as I’d like. I want to help him too but I don’t know what I could do for him either…

        As for my coworkers… I sent out the message and 8 of 37 of them did like it (it’s a Facebook message) and 3 of them wrote some really nice things. It was a nice comfort just knowing that most of them read my message, including my managers. I know now that I have a good support in them. I don’t know if people really mean it or not but for now, I’ll just take what I can get…

        I did have a very close friend tell me that she doesn’t understand why I’m so upset or why I care so much. She said they because I care so much that that’s why I’m so broken. She told me she got out of a long term relationship and dated the week after. She couldn’t understand why I am clinging on to things and why I don’t just make changes in my life. I hate change. I’m terrified by it, why would I want to pursue that willingly?

        You have been very helpful, so know that you’re one of my biggest resources and supporter. S told me earlier, “You’ve been through a lot in the space of a short time. You’re going though a divorce and all kinds of emotional pain, yet you finished the semester with a 3.8 and you worked two jobs while doing so. I couldn’t do that! But you were able to!” He told me I need to feel what I need to feel but he said that we can get through this. And when we do, I’ll be even stronger. A part of me believes that but another part doesn’t.

        I’ve been alternating between wanting to just curl up in bed and never get up again, and wanting to smash everything I see, flip tables and destroy things. J didn’t understand why I was so angry even when I told him I’m not angry at him. I’m not angry at him per se. It’s hard to explain. It feels very complicated and that’s why I can’t deal with it all.

        It’s funny you should mention potential. S said the same exact thing. Whenever I’m suicidal, I’ve noticed that he doesn’t try to tell me things like, “what about your loved ones?” or “people will miss you”. Instead, he makes it about me. About how much good I bring to the people around me and how if I die, that light will go out.

        I haven’t exercised in a while. I used to do kettlebell exercises but stopped when I just felt too tired to do them. I did pick up skateboarding again a few weeks ago though but I don’t have time to do it. It does give me that very elusive relief and it is momentary. But for the half an hour to an hour that I’m skating, I stop thinking about anything else.

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