So many people have told me that I’m the “bigger person”, that I’ve shown so much grace, patience, and kindness to someone they didn’t think I should even interact with.
The person told me today that they appreciate my kindness so much. That she didn’t think I’d be this way towards her. She said that she felt grateful that she not only gained a partner, but also gained a new friend. That I was able to be so mature as to be willing to spend time with them.
I was stable today. Mostly because I allowed the child to come out and play. To enjoy herself as we watched the new Star Trek movie, go to the mall for bubble tea, then later for frozen yogurt, and then to skateboard. So being stable, I was able to spend time with them without the usual meltdowns that I’ve been having. I was able to have logical conversations.
I told her that I am the way I am because I think about how I’d like to be treated if I were in her shoes. I try to think of the bigger picture, to take on the role of being a mature and kind person. I also genuinely like her.
That said, I can’t stop myself from the jealousy, anger, grief, and resentment that wells up when I’m not so stable and coherent. I just can’t.
My emotional side hasn’t caught up with my intellectual side. So I’m constantly having to struggle with myself over how I feel because I want to be stronger than that – I want to be able to be genuinely happy for them while also taking care of myself.
I want to be able to tell myself that my emotions are valid but so are theirs. That I am the person I am because of what we had gone through, and he is the person he is because of the same reason. That I have no reason to compare. It’s also different and so comparing does nothing productive.
Anyway, I’m trying my best to be stable. I’ve been doing things that I’d describe as self care like accepting my coworker’s invitation to go camping next Tuesday, having ice cream, playing video games, tsking naps, and so on. I am trying and some days are really easier than others.