My friends (who also happen to be my coworkers) invited me out for a night of camping today.
I am glad I came out because I am enjoying myself, not because I like the humidity, the bugs, or the sleeping on the ground, but rather because I got to spend time with people I see often at work but don’t get to socialize much with.
I wish we could do this without having to subject ourselves to the weather and the outdoors. I’m just very convinced now that I’m not an outdoorsy person. In fact, now, I’m very glad that I never completed the selections program to join the Malaysian military because I think I’d have a horrible time. In retrospect, despite how broken I was by the decision that got me cut from selections, I am actually not upset that I now live a more comfortable life.
Anyway, besides realizing that I’m not an outdoorsy person, I now also confirm my fear of the dark. As a child, I was terrified of it. As S and I explore my past and traumas, I’ve learned that I’m afraid of the dark because I used to be punished as a child to sit on a stool in the middle of a room and I remember multiple instances where I was all alone in a dark room. Just writing of this trauma itself chills me to the bone, even now as an adult. Now that I’m older, I can tolerate the dark enough and maintain some bravado, but I am still extremely uncomfortable in it.
Right now as I’m typing this, I’m sitting by the campfire with my friends. And for a little while, I was afraid. I also feel afraid for later tonight, when I have to crawl into my tent and sleep in it by myself. In the dark. In a tent. In the outdoors. Goodness, I hope I don’t induce a panic attack on myself from thinking about being in the dark.
I’m also starting to feel depressed again. I often get that feeling when I’m around a lot of people. It’s that sense of disconnection that I get.
I also received a message from JS (Hubster – I need to change this to ex at some point) that reminds me that I’m no longer the focus of his attention. What it made me feel is unimportant. Even if he tells me that he still cares for me, I find that hard to believe. I want to believe him but I just can’t. He is frustrated that I don’t believe that he still cares for me but as a person with severe abandonment issues, I feel abandoned. Even if that’s not what’s happening, I can’t help how I feel.
I’m just afraid, I guess. I need S. Speaking to his colleague, J, was helpful last week. But ultimately, it was not the same kind of experience. I feel desperately alone and afraid.
I think of how I have to move to a new place in a few days and I haven’t even packed yet. I think about how I’m going to be all alone in that basement. And how dark it’s going to be down there.
When I used to be afraid of things in the past I knew who I could turn to. I used to have someone I could depend on to help me through but I’ve lost that now. And lately, I’ve been trying to reach out for help and support but it’s been difficult to get what I need. I feel my loss even deeper now. It’s very distressing.
Maybe I just need to stop thinking. Maybe that will help me not feel so much.