Deep Anguish

I just cut myself.

The emotional anguish I feel is so great that nothing I did or thought about helped.

I was near tears at every moment and indeed cried multiple times today. The Ex treated me to frozen yogurt and that calmed the child down for a little while but the rage, hopelessness, and despair came rushing back regardless.

I kept asking the child what was wrong. I kept trying to figure out what it was that was bothering me so that I could overcome it but I had no answers.

So now I have two cuts on my arm because I needed to vent.

I didn’t even go to group therapy today because I didn’t think I could be of any use to the group in my current mental state. I feel really bad about that too.

I feel so mentally ill. I can’t explain it.

I just want to die.


6 thoughts on “Deep Anguish

      1. Jules: I have deep wanting-to-die feelings since infancy. I want the pain to stop. These feelings come back when there is something difficult going on in my life. Inside, I curl up, pretending to be a stone. Perhaps noone will see me. Perhaps, this time, she will finish me off, and it will be over.
        My T is going on vacation on Monday, and your S is away.
        Baring the things we can’t bear.
        This shaking keeps me steady.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yeah. I think I’ve been holding things inside for a while now. I’ve been thinking that I’m ok but I think last night, I realized that I really am not and have just been temporarily distracted these past 2 weeks. The facade is starting to break now that it’s becoming more and more real that my divorce is really happening and that I’ll really be moving next Thursday. I feel left behind and that everyone else has moved on but me.

        I’m sorry that your T is going away on Monday too.. That’s going to be so hard. Let me know if you need anything that I can provide ok?

        Liked by 1 person

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