Last Night Before Huge Changes 

Tonight is the last night I’ll ever spend in this apartment. From tomorrow onwards, my life will be a complete 180. 

I have yet to figure out how to live the rest of my miserable life though I have come up with several ways I can shorten it. The only thing it’ll take it is actual guts to go through with said ways. I don’t think I have it in me to do it. 

I can’t stop crying and have been sobbing like a baby for the past half an hour. 

Oh, poor child. Poor, poor child… I know you’re hurting. I know how painful it is and I know you’ve been hurt so so much in your lifetime. It’s okay, child. Everything will be okay. I’m here. Teen is here too. We’re here to take care of you, child. You’ll be alright. S is not here, but we are very much in his thoughts and concern. We care just as much as he does. Come here, child. Cry it out if that’s what you need. I’ll hold you until you feel better, ok? 

I think that actually helped. The child actually feels comforted and the tears are fewer now. 

I still can’t believe that just 3 months ago, I was still married. I still can’t believe that everyone has moved on but me – me? I’m left picking up the pieces of my shattered heart. I still find it hard to accept that I’m moving tomorrow and will for the first time in 5 years, be all alone. I haven’t been independent in 5 years! 

People tell me that I’m capable. They say that I’m strong. They tell me that I’ll get through this. 

I’m frustrated to hear that. Even if I’m resilient enough to overcome this, it doesn’t mean that I’m doing okay right now. I know people mean well but that doesn’t mean that they can’t still say jerk sounding things. 

The Ex told me that we’ll still be best friends (and indeed we’re very good at being friends but bad at being partners), that it’s just going to be a little different. I don’t want different. The child doesn’t want different, hence the tantrums. 

Change is inevitable, as I’ve previously mentioned. There is no easy way but to go through it, as much as it sucks. 

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13 thoughts on “Last Night Before Huge Changes 

  1. I’m going through a divorce then I’m not. He’s dragged me through so much emotional heartache. I just wish he would end it and tell me it’s over but he can’t. He tells me in words that we’re reconciling and not divorcing but his actions say it’s not true. People tell me the same, I’ll get through it, it’ll be okay, I’ll be glad one day and find happiness. It pisses me off to hear it. I have been a stay at home mom for 12 years. He’s moved out 3 months ago. I’m completely on my own with my kids and he continues to lead me on. I’m so emotionally broken. I cry all the time! I can’t get out of bed, I cant do anything around the house. I just want to lay here and be alone. The thought that I’ll have to move and be on my own, it terrifies me. I hate change and the future is so uncertain. I understand how you feel and what your going through. Everyone I talk to who went through divorce has made it seem like im the only one having a difficult time.

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    1. That is horrible and I really really feel you. I can’t imagine what it’ll be like though like you said, a lot of people are telling me that it’ll be good etc. My therapist tells me that divorce is equivalent to losing a spouse through death. That the stress is so bad that it’s almost beyond our capability to handle at some points. What kills me is that this was an 8 year relationship that I wish I’d been a better wife to him in. I’d taken him for granted and now I’ve lost him. He’s gotten a new girlfriend a month after we separated and that’s been hard too. So yeah. I think it will get better but for now, I can’t stop crying and things just seem so dark. I’m sorry you’re going through such push and pull from him as well. Do you want the divorce? Perhaps if you made the decision yourself, it’ll be more empowering for you? Either way, it all sucks. I hate that you’re going through so much pain too.

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      1. I’m sorry your suffering too. A painful breakup is never as easy as one would think. It drains the life out of you in every way and it’s never as easy as “just choosing to focus on something else” .

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      2. Definitely! Today is my move day and I have to say that I actually feel physically ill. I’ve been moving things and constantly feel like I’m going to collapse. Every part of my body hurts too. It’s very strange.

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      3. So sorry. Very tough place to be in. I dont know what I would do if I had to move right now. Just getting out of bed to brush my teeth has been hard enough. Hang in there! Call for help and support. Your in my thoughts and prayers.

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      4. Its difficult to know what I actually want. I think I miss what we had those few times where it was actually great. When I really sit and think about it, it’s YES I want a divorce. I know its completely over. I know it’ll never be good and in reality it never was. I know he not only hasnt changed but he’s worse now. I know divorce is the right path but I still want to believe that maybe, just maybe this time he’s saying the truth.

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      5. I feel you there. With my ex, he isn’t horrible but we just don’t jive. Nothing we did felt natural and couple-y. Both of us felt like it was wrong and had been wrong for a long time. But it’s hard to say goodbye. Even if that’s the right thing. I want to hang on to it even though I know we’re both bad for each other. I want to hang on to it even though it hurts to keep this relationship. But it’s because it’s familiar, I want to hang on to it. I think you probably feel the same…. I want to believe that things will be better. A part of me does. But a larger part is resistant because it’s change and I hate change.

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      6. Before coming across this site, I seriously thought I was the only one who was having a different time. I would try talking to people only to feel like there was something wrong with me. Until now. I feel exactly like you! Our current state of feeling is exactly the same. I really hate change, it terrifies me, it terrifies me not to have a set plan for the future, not knowing how things will be. I know this change will eventually bring better things because it has in the past but making that jump is scary. Your one step closer.

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      7. YES! Definitely! However, my psychologist tells me that everyone who goes through divorce *should* be devastated and if they aren’t, then that means that something is wrong – either they were never invested in the relationship ever, or something else is going on. So for you to have heard so many people tell you things that make you feel like you’re the odd one out is very unfortunate. I’m sorry you had to deal with that. I think that dealing with the grief is very normal. And I’m glad that you found my blog and was able to find a kindred spirit! This makes me glad that I blogged about it! It makes me realize that I might just help others who are going through the same things! Even if it’s just so that they don’t feel alone.

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  2. It’s so normal to fear change. We want to know what to expect. We tend to avoid change even when we are unhappy with the way we are currently living. I’m a great example of this, complaining FOR YEARS about how stressful my job is. I’ve finally decided to give notice next week, and even now, in the days leading up to it, I’m asking myself if I should hang in there a bit longer.

    The thing is, even though we resist change, change happens. Even if you were to stay in the apartment with your ex, things would change. You’d finish school. He’d get a different job. The landlord would drastically raise the rent and you’d have to move out. A tornado would come and blow the place away. Not that I wish any of these things on you! But one way or another, things will change. We get older. We fall in love. We fall out of love.

    There is a lot about change we cannot control. We can’t make other people do what we wish. We can’t prevent ourselves from getting older. We can’t (necessarily) control whether we are going to get breast cancer or tendinitis or the zika virus from a mosquito if we live in Florida. So we might as well let go of worrying about those things. We can control how we act, what we say, and (more or less) how we think about things. So we can put our energy into acting, speaking and thinking from our best selves. I can see you are already doing that when you muster your internal strength and compassion to console the frightened child inside you. It’s what I am trying to do now too in calming the part of me that’s afraid to leave my job and head out in a new and less stressful direction. And I think we’ll have to just keep summoning the best parts of ourselves to keep us going through all the changes.

    I am very hopeful for you that this change, heartbreaking as it is right now, will open up space for something better and more authentically you than the life you were living a year ago.

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    1. Q, thank you so much for your words of wisdom. I don’t know why but hearing it from you is very comforting to me. I’ve heard similar things from others but never felt the same kind of connection or warmth as I have from you. In others, I often just feel dismissed and invalidated – as though I just need to move on.

      I think it’s because you get it. You know the pain, you know the feeling… You’ve *been* there and you’re now on the other side looking back. I know that someday I’ll be that person and perhaps I’ll deal some wisdom to someone else too. For now, I know that I’m only seeing the deepest, darkest despair.

      I cried ALL the way to the new townhome that I’ll be living in for the forseeable future. A whole half an hour drive was just me crying the whole way. I cried when J finally said, at 9pm, that he had to leave and I was just supposed to pick up and continue. He told me we’ll see each other again and set up Monday as hang out time. He’s still sweet and caring towards me – if only I can stop pushing him away in grief and anger.

      I go back and forth between wanting to kill myself and knowing that I’ll be ok. I think over and over about all the ways that I could take my own life. I think about how tired I am of everything – how sick I am of how my life is just a series of disappointments. But then another part of me, at one point today, thought to myself, “You know, I’ve always wanted to hit reset. Start over. Maybe this is God’s way of answering that prayer”. I’m definitely unstable at the moment – but S took away all the things that I could use to cut myself with. I still have my paracord bracelet that I had planned to use to hang myself with but there are no rafters in this basement. So, I’m safe. And I know I’ll probably continue to be safe. I think the child just desperately wants attention so she’s throwing her tantrum. Poor kid, I know she’s been through a lot – and this is just such a huge thing for her to go through as well. It brings back bad memories of her terrible experiences. I hope she’ll learn to trust me. I need to get on writing that letter to her.
      You’re right, Q. We can control how we act, what we say, and what we think. I hope that I can begin to regain that control for myself.

      I also hope that you’re feeling better as well. The decision you made to quit your job is extremely brave. I applaud you and admire you for that. You’re extremely strong as well and I’ve known that since I started reading your blog. You will make it through this and I think you’ll be very glad that you made that decision without negating the fact that yes, it does hurt to have to change.

      Thanks, Q. You’re always such a life saver!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. First, thanks for all your kind words, even though you give me way too much credit for wisdom.

        Second, I just wanted to pick up on the idea of “reset.” It might be a useful alternative way to think about change. Moving is stressful, but the idea of inhabiting a new space in a fresh way can be attractive. Giving up your old life is terrifying, but imagining a new life that is more authentically you is exciting (think about your change of hairstyle). So maybe it could be a very positive thing to focus on what you are now able to make for yourself. xxoo

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