Tonight is the last night I’ll ever spend in this apartment. From tomorrow onwards, my life will be a complete 180.
I have yet to figure out how to live the rest of my miserable life though I have come up with several ways I can shorten it. The only thing it’ll take it is actual guts to go through with said ways. I don’t think I have it in me to do it.
I can’t stop crying and have been sobbing like a baby for the past half an hour.
Oh, poor child. Poor, poor child… I know you’re hurting. I know how painful it is and I know you’ve been hurt so so much in your lifetime. It’s okay, child. Everything will be okay. I’m here. Teen is here too. We’re here to take care of you, child. You’ll be alright. S is not here, but we are very much in his thoughts and concern. We care just as much as he does. Come here, child. Cry it out if that’s what you need. I’ll hold you until you feel better, ok?
I think that actually helped. The child actually feels comforted and the tears are fewer now.
I still can’t believe that just 3 months ago, I was still married. I still can’t believe that everyone has moved on but me – me? I’m left picking up the pieces of my shattered heart. I still find it hard to accept that I’m moving tomorrow and will for the first time in 5 years, be all alone. I haven’t been independent in 5 years!
People tell me that I’m capable. They say that I’m strong. They tell me that I’ll get through this.
I’m frustrated to hear that. Even if I’m resilient enough to overcome this, it doesn’t mean that I’m doing okay right now. I know people mean well but that doesn’t mean that they can’t still say jerk sounding things.
The Ex told me that we’ll still be best friends (and indeed we’re very good at being friends but bad at being partners), that it’s just going to be a little different. I don’t want different. The child doesn’t want different, hence the tantrums.
Change is inevitable, as I’ve previously mentioned. There is no easy way but to go through it, as much as it sucks.