I will post more when I’m more awake but I just wanted to say that I had a decent session with S today – one that ended with him being pleased that I surrendered the paracord bracelet that I was going to use to hang myself with on Monday, and that I asked him to make me promise that I won’t buy more knives.
To be honest, though I willingly surrendered the bracelet, deep down, I didn’t want to. I wanted to have a choice. But I felt that I was a danger to myself.
On Monday, I got drunk because I was triggered – the trigger led me down my usual spiral of negativity and ended with me trying to cope with alcohol. In the midst of my drunkenness, I wanted to hang myself. It was a good thing that when I got home (my manager and coworker drove me home), I passed out. When I woke, the feeling had passed so I was safe.
So, despite my desire for a choice, I also felt like I needed to help S protect myself. He told me last week that he’s worried about me and he’s worried for these moments where I might lose control and do something that will be too drastic or serious to recover from.
I realized that I asked for help today. I’ve been trying to do everything myself for the longest time but today, I asked for help. It feels like a huge step for me.
I left feeling anxious, confused, distressed, and needy/clingy as I always do post-therapy. Today, even more so because S wanted us to go back down to just one session a week.
He’d said, “When there’s a lot of anxiety and fear, a lot of times the thing to do to manage that is to gradually do what you fear. And that’s kinda how we’re going about building that resilience. That way the child will come to understand that she’ll be okay and the adult and the teen will take care of her”
He gave me the choice to disagree with his decision but I didn’t take it because he was right. I need to face that fear.
For a year and a half, I’ve been clinging on so tightly to S. I never want to let him go. But it’s the equivalent of me hanging on to the rock in the middle of a raging river while looking at the shore longingly. At some point, if I want to get to the shore, I’m going to have to let go of the rock and make my way there.
S assured me again today that whenever I want to talk to him, he’ll be happy to talk to me. So the rock will always be there whenever I feel too afraid to continue. I could look back with comfort knowing that it’ll always be there for me should I need it. But once I start to make the journey towards the shore, I’m going to start feeling more confident and stronger. And once I get to the shore, I’ll be happy that the rock provided me with the strength to do it and I’ll be comforted to know that if I ever find myself back in the river again, that the rock will still be there to save me.
I’m also stable today because I took care of myself. After the session today, I was anxious and I didn’t have a focus. I didn’t know what to do. I was indecisive. Finally, I took my skateboard out and went skating around my campus. I wanted to familiarize myself with the pavements because I intend to skate around campus during school. I ended up having a really great time.
I was so excited and giddy inside. I kept squealing with glee as I skated around.
Then after that, I asked a friend out for lunch because I needed to feel a connection. It was a great time at lunch. Right after lunch, I messaged my coworker and close friend to see if he’d be okay with me hanging out at his home. He told me we could hang out for 2 hours. I ended up staying there from 2.45pm to midnight because we kept playing video games.
Although I ended up not getting the haircut I was supposed to, and not having the dinner that I thought I would, I had an amazing time because I felt that great connection – even if all we did was just sit on the couch all evening and tapped at our phones as we played. I feel so comfortable around N that it really does astounds me. I’m usually awkward around people but he and I click really well.
So, I took steps and practiced some coping strategies. I think the child is slowly allowing the adult to take care of her. It also seems like she’s starting to let go of her desire to hurt and kill me. It’s slow but I feel like it’s happening.
I just hope now that I can last an entire week without seeing S again.