Pretension and Denial

I think I’m kidding myself and I’m pretending when I’m in front of everyone else.

I don’t think I’m as well as I want to feel and just because I’m not thinking of something, doesn’t mean it’s not in my mind.

I’m trying to be patient and when in times of loneliness, I’ve sought out the company of friends. I don’t think it’s really helping or that it’s really working.

I thought about S and though I don’t want to let him down, sometimes, I feel like just like in my marriage, I’d just been making promises I can’t keep. I promised him that I wouldn’t hurt myself or go and buy a knife – though I haven’t broken those promises, I feel like at any moment, I could.

My anxiety has been increasing because it’s only 8 days until school begins again and I don’t know if I can handle all the responsibilities that schoolwork will throw at me while working 4 full shifts at the restaurant, working 12 hours at the Math Assistance Center, and contributing my time and energy as a Peer Educator, all while trying to keep my mental health in check. I know something has got to give. I fear that my education might be the thing that gives. That, or maybe I’ll lose my job. If I do, I don’t know how I’m going to be able to financially support myself.

I tell myself I’ll be fine. But I can’t believe it. I know people believe in me and I know that they care.

Yet, at the same time, I can’t stop myself from wishing that nobody did, just so I can leave this existence without hurting anyone but myself. I’d rather that nobody cared at this point because I just don’t want to keep going. Having people care means that I can’t hurt them by leaving their lives so suddenly.

Even in all my pain, I keep thinking about how many people I’ll hurt if I take my own life. A part of me, the child most probably, hates that because I care about others more than I do myself. I think the child wants me to care for myself. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to care about me. Is it because I don’t feel like I’m worthy to have such care? I don’t know.

At the moment, I feel hopeless again.

Recently, a coworker had messaged me and told me some very inappropriate things – it made me feel violated and uncomfortable. Initially, when he told me how he felt and what his thoughts had been, I had told him that though I was flattered, I wasn’t interested. Then his words started gnawing at me and I felt more and more uncomfortable as the days passed. Today, I told my GM about it and he took it very seriously – he told me that he and the management team has my back fully. That if the coworker seeks recourse in any way at all, he will be terminated from his job. So I’d been struggling with that too – feeling awkward around said coworker, still feeling violated and somehow naked, feeling really unsafe and insecure.

When I reached out for comfort and protection, I got none. I wanted to talk to S on Friday because I felt so bad but he wasn’t in that day. I didn’t think that what the coworker had said would affect me so much but I guess it had affected me more than I would allow myself to believe.

I guess at this point in time, I just don’t know how to deal with life.

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2 thoughts on “Pretension and Denial

  1. You do have so many demands on you! Could you let something go? What would be the worst that could happen? What if you didn’t do the Peer Educator part? Could you afford to cut back even a bit at work? Could you take fewer credits? I know your initial reaction will be “no, no, no, I can’t.” You are used to driving yourself hard and then criticizing how you did and criticizing yourself from feeling tired or overwhelmed.

    But what if you looked at yourself from the outside as a friend. You could say, wow, this woman has been through the wringer! She deserves a break. Maybe she could —- (whatever it is that you might let go of to make space in your life). I know for a long time I didn’t think I could take a long leave, but I did last year. I thought I could never quit my job; it’s so tied to my identity. But I decided to think more seriously about these things and realized I didn’t have to live in a way that was killing me. There is no law saying I have to earn a certain amount of money. I need to be safe and have food, sure, but if I earn less and feel happier and healthier, couldn’t I adjust to that?

    Not knowing your circumstances and resources, I really have no idea what you could let go of. And I hope encouraging you to let something go isn’t too obnoxiously presumptuous of me. I’m probably pushing it because I’m so hopeful it will make a difference for me. Please forgive me if I’m just being annoying.

    You are much too interesting and valuable a person to wear yourself to the point of despair. Just my (caring) opinion. Hugs, Q.

    Liked by 1 person

    • JL says:

      Hi Q! It’s so good to hear from you! I know you’ve been busy with trying to figure out your life as well so it’s nice that you dropped by! 😀

      You’re right. I was thinking about it recently too. Maybe I need to let go of some things. What *can* I do?

      Please don’t feel like you’re being presumptuous or anything. I have nothing but the utmost respect and affection for you. I always look forward to your thoughts and input because I always benefit from them. I think you’re so empathetic and you have such great ideas! And you’re almost always right about all your ideas too!

      I thought to myself that I will definitely give my Fall semester 2 weeks – 2 weeks to see how things go. I know I can’t drop anymore classes (I already preemptively dropped 2) because according to the financial aid, I *have* to have a minimum of 12 credit hours in school or the loan gets revoked so I’m doing the bare minimum. I know I’ll be fine with Calculus (and so homework will probably be easiest out of all the other classes since this is just me retaking the class with a better teacher). I might give the Peer Educator part a little more of a breather. I think I’ll talk to the Asst Director about it during our retreat next weekend and explain the situation. I still want to help but I hope that she’ll allow me to help maybe just once a month or so instead of how often they do their events. I am only going to work 4 shifts but if I can’t make enough money, I might just try to get a different job (this restaurant that I’m currently in demands way too many hours from all of us which most restaurants don’t… Serving usually takes 4-6 hours but this restaurant demands 8-12 hours every shift which is ridiculous due to their hours). I’m just thankful that my 12 hours at the MAC will be properly compensated by a scholarship and half the time, the work at the MAC doesn’t feel like work anyway… I just have way too many credit card debts and car payment and rent and all that to not work 2 jobs.

      But anyway… I think the despair is just coming from multiple sides – the divorce, the different stages of grief I’m dealing with due to the divorce, the mixed emotions I am currently experiencing because someone is showing a lot of romantic interest in me (which I didn’t expect and still am feeling at odds with about), and school stresses, work stresses, and financial difficulties. I know I’m strong enough to weather them all – I know that better now. I can accept it a little more than I used to be able to.

      I know I’ll survive but it’s so much easier for me to say that right now because I’m feeling stable. I just need to be able to practice better coping skills and be very mindful about how I approach this semester. I know that getting the love and care from you, plus all the amazing ideas, certainly really really help! Thank you for looking out for me. I appreciate you beyond what I can express!!! HUGS!

      Liked by 1 person

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